New Year

Well, where should I start??? This past week has been a tough one (that is the understatement of the century). But it really caused me to 'reflect' on what it is that I want. I waver back and forth so often, that sometimes I don't even know the answer to that question. If you read my last post and listen to the song, it really does tell you exactly how I am feeling. It hit me like a ton a bricks when I heard it this past Wednesday. I was literally sitting at my desk at work with tears welling up in my eyes. I have always seen myself as a very strong individual (I know a few of you may find that hard to believe), but at that moment I realized I have turned into this person I don't even know anymore. And how can my husband love me or want to be married to someone who isn't even a real person? I am a version of me...a version going through the motions...a version who misses the REAL ME!

And me, being the idiot that I am, I IM'ed a 'friend' from whom I desperately needed the support from. Did I get it? Of course not. It was really not the time for this particular person to stick it to me. And as sad as it makes me, I think I just need to be done with this person. My feelings are continually being hurt by him, intentionally and unintentionally. I just need more, expect more, from my 'friends' then I am ever going to get from this person. And not that he hasn't made that quite clear in the past, but I continue to put myself out there and continue to get the same result. The sad part is that I know he can be an amazing friend if he chooses to be, but when it comes to me he cannot put down the 'control hat' long enough to go there. Anyways, by Friday night I was really down (I mean REALLY DOWN) so I sent a text to this person and of course got no response. After about, I don't even know, like 10 or 15 more texts (yes I hate to be ignored, imagine that) I finally got a response that at the time broke my heart. I really needed my friend...and he could really gives a rats hairy ass about me! All I needed was a night out with a friend for some drinks to get all this REAL LIFE craziness off my mind. A night out to just have fun with a friend and forget that tomorrow it is back to real life. ONE FUCKING NIGHT FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!! But I get it, this time I actually really do. We aren't friends. And I need to stop pretending we are.

So for the new year, I am no longer willing to be treated like a doormat! I miss the ME who used to stand up for herself no matter what! So the theme for 2009 is BE ME! Get back to being ME, the real ME! And for those of you who don't like it, get the rock out of my way! By the end of this year, the reflection I will see will be the true ME!

Unfortunately this meant I also needed a clean slate when it came to my other 'friends'. Sweet Sweet Joe, he is 86ed for too many reasons to even list. Andrew, well we can never get on the same page. Jase, well I actually haven't heard from him in a while. Todd, well he is his own basket case needing to work his own shit out and right not I can barely work MY own shit out. Tony's work schedule made it impossible for us to continue to see one another. And that's about that!

So for the time being there is only one sweet sweet boy in my world. We'll see how long he lasts. So far, he says and does all the right things. We have been chatting for about a week, so who knows how well we actually do know one another at this point. But on paper, he is a stellar friend and perfect match. We both are looking for a FWB situation (not sure if I mentioned it a while back or not, but I don't do just benefits anymore....must have the friend part). He seems amazing, I guess only time will tell.

Hey I am the first to admit I am a lot of work, hell I am alot of work for even my own self. So the challenges that must present to someone else, well......I have no words!

On the home front, I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying my kids as much a possible. Trying to offer them as much support as they need. Me having gone back to work proved to be a little more of an adjustment for them as well as me. So the quality time we do get in the evening just make me appreciate then that much more. Alot of musical beds going on at our house and I am sure you can guess as to that that is.

I have my house choices down to about 3 now and I am meeting with my realtor tomorrow afternoon to go make a final decision. Once I get that decided on and get that ball rolling I hope everything else just starts falling into place! I know I am kidding myself if I think things are going to go that smoothly, but one can hope can't she!!! ;)

Anyways, I am beat. Been up late the past few night becasue it seems to be the only time I get to myself these days. I am sure I have a ton more I could blog about because I know I am so behind, but it will have to wait for another day.

So again, New Year = New ME!

-Abi

BTW, I booked my ticket to go see Annabelle in March. Let the count down begin! 9 weeks and counting sista!!!! I can't wait to see her......

Puzzle

My view is that life is a jigsaw puzzle.
People you meet, relationships, activities,
personal growth, all add pieces to the puzzle.
Sometimes you meet someone who drops a
pre-assembled chunk of pieces into your puzzle all at once.
The puzzle frame is flexible, and can expand
to accomodate more pieces over time.
None of the existing pieces need be removed
or their contribution to the overall picture diminished.
The other pieces just add to the richness of the picture overall!!

Better In Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE

I am a total Music and TV junkie, as if you hadn't already noticed, but I was watching one of my 'girlie' shows tonight and this song hit me like a tons of bricks. I am so ready to move on and be happy...I mean REALLY happy. With myself, my life, my kids, my career. I want to wake up everyday excited for what's to come, not dreading it. Wake up smiling! Not much makes that happen anymore, except the thought of finally being free....free to do what I choose. To not have to ask permission or worry about consequences. To LIVE! And be true to the person I AM. I miss ME!!! And btw, I ROCK! ;)

-Abi


And you must watch the entire clip from the link below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1nFkmz4HUQ&feature=related

I mean, honestly, who is this freakin' HOT! When he writes his phone number on her leg with the sharpie (if only you could hear the actual things being said) and then in the apartment when he sits her on the drafting table and rips her panty hose....HOLY HOTNESS!

Wow, did it just get really hot in here? ;)

NUMB...

Everything is coming apart at the seams and I just can't wrap my mind around any of it. I just want a life...MY LIFE...with my kids. I am a good mother, I am good at what I do (my job when I have one), I am a fantastic friend (one of the best you will ever have), I am a strong individual...but right now, I feel like completely falling apart...which I cannot do! I am SOOOOO trying to stay strong and hold it together right now. I cannot cry in front of my kids...I REFUSE! They are already so confused. I just want......I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!! I want to be selfish, do what makes me feel good for THIS MOMENT...curl up with a friend and weep uncontrolably but I can't even do that! And is that what I REALLY want? Probably not, but the alternative right now sucks and the escape, if only for a few hours, sounds fan-freaking-tastic!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XpyaRd-leA

Also, I got an 'update email' from a friend who just finished her cancer treatment and it really hit home for me with everything that's going on right now. Life is too short to not live each day to the fullest. Live, Laugh, LOVE, Lust.!!! Everyone should have that...EVERYONE...ALL THE TIME! Don't waste time being uhappy...do what makes you feel the most alive!!!!

-Abi

My mom sent this to me at the end of August. Always find truth in the stars....

Pisces - The Week Ahead*
25th August 2008 - 31st August 2008
Pluto has been a constant figure on your astrological landscape so you should be well prepared for this week's peaks and troughs. A relationship reaches its zenith or nadir and, in general, events will be over-the-top fantastic or down-in-the-depths dreary. Should you be starting out with a new person or signing up for a new commitment this will change your life in the most profound way; on the other hand, should you have been trying to make a situation work under the most trying of circumstances what takes place between now and late September could prove to be the last straw. Transformation is Pluto's brief and any which way change comes in has to be embraced whole-heartedly.