Just a quick update

I rarely get time to blog or even get online anymore. Super busy with work and when I am home I am spending all the free time I do have with my kids. This is a huge adjustment for them...and me too. My son asked me this morning "Mom, where are were getting dropped off today?"...I almost started weeping right then. But I have the next few days off for the holiday and we'll get to sleep in and have a pajama party...just me and the kids. My husband is sick so he has been sleeping on the couch...WOOHOO for me! (ok, now that was just mean...sorry)

Anyways, he still has his job and will probably be getting laid off after next week. He is looking for a new job and as soon as he gets one and I know it is going to work out, I AM OUT! I went out dancing/drinking with my cousin last weekend and on my drive home I started thinking to myself...I just want to go to MY OWN home, no one to tell me I have to wake up early, to get mad at me for being hung over, sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed if I want...that would be so fantastic! It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to sleep in the same bed with him. Not because any sort of sex is going on, because it's NOT, but I literally just don't want to be around him.

How is this my life? And why am I finding it so difficult to get the fuck out? The little voice in the back of my head is telling me 'maybe there is a reason you are sticking around'....but I honestly don't know what the reason could possibly be.

And of course there are still 'my boys'.....lol. Although it is actually down to 1 or 2 at the moment. I seriously have no time! NONE! I have just enough time for the one who is only in town two or three times a month and spoils me rotten! Best kind to have! ;)

-Abi

On My Way

So I am now back to work full time and on my way to financial independence. Only a matter of time b4 I can walk out the door and feel secure in doing so, knowing that I can provide for me and my kids. Unfortunately, my husband is getting laid off and until he finds something stable I cannot technically leave just yet. What sort of rat bitch of a wife leaves her just laid off husband after he supported this family (financially) for the past 5 years? And yes, I know what you all are thinking, I am already a rat bitch of a wife so why stop now...but I do care for the man. He is the father of my children. Can't kick him when he's down. But for the most part, he is very aware that our marriage is over.

Hey, anyone have any sedatives they want to share? lol

-Abi

Oh, and on the boy front, just sort of laying low lately. Especially now that I practically have NO FREE TIME! But there is still one or two who have kept my interest. And one is real sweet...just what I need right now! ;)

Better In Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE

I am a total Music and TV junkie, as if you hadn't already noticed, but I was watching one of my 'girlie' shows tonight and this song hit me like a tons of bricks. I am so ready to move on and be happy...I mean REALLY happy. With myself, my life, my kids, my career. I want to wake up everyday excited for what's to come, not dreading it. Wake up smiling! Not much makes that happen anymore, except the thought of finally being free....free to do what I choose. To not have to ask permission or worry about consequences. To LIVE! And be true to the person I AM. I miss ME!!! And btw, I ROCK! ;)

-Abi


And you must watch the entire clip from the link below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1nFkmz4HUQ&feature=related

I mean, honestly, who is this freakin' HOT! When he writes his phone number on her leg with the sharpie (if only you could hear the actual things being said) and then in the apartment when he sits her on the drafting table and rips her panty hose....HOLY HOTNESS!

Wow, did it just get really hot in here? ;)

How Is This My Life???

JESUS! I don't even know where to start except that my life (which was already a trainwreck) has been completely turned inside out and upside down in the past two days!

One minute I am having a fantastic time (best RELAXED time I have had in a LONG TIME), the next I am fighting with my IDIOT husband over the phone (which I never should have answered) and making sure he doesn't take the kids from my parents house! Holy disaster!

Long of the short, the kids and I spent the night at my parents and Saturday morning I talked to my GF, who is an attorney, and she drew up the papers for me. So I guess I am filing this week. And of course my husband is making this miserable for me and saying horrid things to the kids, like 'who do you guys want to live with?' and 'you know your mom is ruining your lives right?'....WTF, who says that to their kids? No matter how much I HATE HIM right now, I would never bad mouth him to the kids....He is their father for fucks sake! Grow up dude! Of course they are saying they want to live with us both you dillhole, they dont understand what is going on....but when he kept pushing they ultimately say they want to live with me. Is that what you wanted to hear you MORON! Make you feel better?

Anyways, just venting...AGAIN! And how is it that I am more sad about a friendship ending then I am about my marriage ending? Too much for my little heart to process right now. Emotionally EXHAUSTED! And real sad......

-Abi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln2_xzJ9jQQ

Another Fight

I think my husband is finally getting it!!!

Getting out of the shower yesterday and the kids were watching TV on our bed. My son's room was a mess and my husband asked the kids to go clean it up. **Must note that they were up late the night before and eating cake and drinking pop at 9:00pm. They were both overtired and in horrid moods.** So they both were complaining/whining about having to go pick up. My son started to get up and then decided he didn't want to clean up and said so. So my husband in his normal ASSHOLE manner, grabbed him by his face and started screaming at him about a inch from his face, threatening to throw all the toys away. Of course my boy is crying and I am, per usual, standing there in amazement! I look at my husband like he is out of his mind (which at this point I am pretty sure he is) and tell him that is not how we deal with things in this house. My son goes to his room and is crying and says he is tired and wants to take a nap...husband still yelling at him...

I am, at this point, furious!!! So as soon as he is done and leaves the room, I go to talk to my son. Trying to give him some positive reinforcement. Telling him I know he is a good kid, just making bad choices. That I love him and that he needs to think about his actions before hand.

Poor kid was sobbing and telling me that he hates his papa and wants him to leave. Begging me not to leave him alone in his room. So as I am talking to him my husband comes to the door and starts listening. Thinks my way of discipline is B/S and thats why the kids 'walk all over me'. Starts yelling at me, in front of my son...if I don't like the way he does things we can leave. My answer, 'I would love to'. Should have kept my mouth shut....now he is screaming at me to pack mine and the kids stuff up and get the fuck out. I refuse to fight with him in front on my son and tell him so...still trying to bait me into a fight and tells me to come out in the living room then. At this point I am not leaving my son who is shaking and crying. My daughter has put herself in her room and is crying as well.

Ended up taking a nap with my son. He woke up and got over all the yelling, me I am still pissed. We had dinner, I played downstairs with my daughter and slept in my sons bed. So this morning my kids are asking me when Papa is leaving (he went to the football game with a friend) and my husband says 'don't worry I am leaving soon'. Me, still not saying anything. Then he mentions the family trip in a month and says to my son 'maybe we aren't going'. I say 'why?' He says 'because you don't like me'. I say 'well that doesn't mean I am going to ruin it for the kids'. He seems suprised...as if I am going to say 'oh no, I love you'.....UMMM NO! I think you are an ass and cannot wait to get me and my kids out of here! He just doesn't get it...you cannot talk to me or the kids that way and then pretend it never happened. I am just done...fed up. He is has already broken my spirit and I'll be damned if I am going to let him fuck my kids up. Do what you want and say what you want to me, DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIDS!!!!!

Okay, so this turned into a long post about my B/S....just needed a place to vent!!!! And a place to note that I am standing by my decision......must leave. This way I can come back and read this when I am wavering....

-Abi