New Year

Well, where should I start??? This past week has been a tough one (that is the understatement of the century). But it really caused me to 'reflect' on what it is that I want. I waver back and forth so often, that sometimes I don't even know the answer to that question. If you read my last post and listen to the song, it really does tell you exactly how I am feeling. It hit me like a ton a bricks when I heard it this past Wednesday. I was literally sitting at my desk at work with tears welling up in my eyes. I have always seen myself as a very strong individual (I know a few of you may find that hard to believe), but at that moment I realized I have turned into this person I don't even know anymore. And how can my husband love me or want to be married to someone who isn't even a real person? I am a version of me...a version going through the motions...a version who misses the REAL ME!

And me, being the idiot that I am, I IM'ed a 'friend' from whom I desperately needed the support from. Did I get it? Of course not. It was really not the time for this particular person to stick it to me. And as sad as it makes me, I think I just need to be done with this person. My feelings are continually being hurt by him, intentionally and unintentionally. I just need more, expect more, from my 'friends' then I am ever going to get from this person. And not that he hasn't made that quite clear in the past, but I continue to put myself out there and continue to get the same result. The sad part is that I know he can be an amazing friend if he chooses to be, but when it comes to me he cannot put down the 'control hat' long enough to go there. Anyways, by Friday night I was really down (I mean REALLY DOWN) so I sent a text to this person and of course got no response. After about, I don't even know, like 10 or 15 more texts (yes I hate to be ignored, imagine that) I finally got a response that at the time broke my heart. I really needed my friend...and he could really gives a rats hairy ass about me! All I needed was a night out with a friend for some drinks to get all this REAL LIFE craziness off my mind. A night out to just have fun with a friend and forget that tomorrow it is back to real life. ONE FUCKING NIGHT FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!! But I get it, this time I actually really do. We aren't friends. And I need to stop pretending we are.

So for the new year, I am no longer willing to be treated like a doormat! I miss the ME who used to stand up for herself no matter what! So the theme for 2009 is BE ME! Get back to being ME, the real ME! And for those of you who don't like it, get the rock out of my way! By the end of this year, the reflection I will see will be the true ME!

Unfortunately this meant I also needed a clean slate when it came to my other 'friends'. Sweet Sweet Joe, he is 86ed for too many reasons to even list. Andrew, well we can never get on the same page. Jase, well I actually haven't heard from him in a while. Todd, well he is his own basket case needing to work his own shit out and right not I can barely work MY own shit out. Tony's work schedule made it impossible for us to continue to see one another. And that's about that!

So for the time being there is only one sweet sweet boy in my world. We'll see how long he lasts. So far, he says and does all the right things. We have been chatting for about a week, so who knows how well we actually do know one another at this point. But on paper, he is a stellar friend and perfect match. We both are looking for a FWB situation (not sure if I mentioned it a while back or not, but I don't do just benefits anymore....must have the friend part). He seems amazing, I guess only time will tell.

Hey I am the first to admit I am a lot of work, hell I am alot of work for even my own self. So the challenges that must present to someone else, well......I have no words!

On the home front, I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying my kids as much a possible. Trying to offer them as much support as they need. Me having gone back to work proved to be a little more of an adjustment for them as well as me. So the quality time we do get in the evening just make me appreciate then that much more. Alot of musical beds going on at our house and I am sure you can guess as to that that is.

I have my house choices down to about 3 now and I am meeting with my realtor tomorrow afternoon to go make a final decision. Once I get that decided on and get that ball rolling I hope everything else just starts falling into place! I know I am kidding myself if I think things are going to go that smoothly, but one can hope can't she!!! ;)

Anyways, I am beat. Been up late the past few night becasue it seems to be the only time I get to myself these days. I am sure I have a ton more I could blog about because I know I am so behind, but it will have to wait for another day.

So again, New Year = New ME!

-Abi

BTW, I booked my ticket to go see Annabelle in March. Let the count down begin! 9 weeks and counting sista!!!! I can't wait to see her......

OMG

This is exactly where I am at right now....this came on my ipod today and not only did I get goosebumps but I started weeping!



P.S. Please disregard the cheesy video.

-Abi

"Reflection"

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where
I Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

Blog.....

I have so much to blog and no idea where to start.....

Let's just say that as a last ditch effort to try and save this disaster that is my marriage, my husband and I went to counseling today (he finally agreed to go after I threatened counseling or sign the divorce papers). For the first time, I think we both rationally agree this marriage is not salvagable. It is a very odd feeling......not sure why I am feeling this way......but I am.....sad?

-Abi

I'm Sad

Over the weekend was the 15 year anniversary of my first technical 'true love/boyfriend' death. This boy could melt my heart with a smile. I can still close my eyes and see his face/smile with such clarity sometimes it scares me. We had known each other since grade school and started dating in high school. It literally seems as though it happened yesterday. I cannot believe it has been 15 years. That day changed my life in so many ways. I have no idea where I'd be today if he were still here. Would I be married to whom I am married too? Would I be a mother? So many unanswered questions and for those of you who follow my blog, you know I don't do well with unanswered questions. Maybe this is why I am in constant need of closure? Not being able to say goodbye to him or get that closure has haunted me for years. So many things I would ask. So many thing I would do differently.

Unfortunately, the anniversary fell on the day we were celebrating my son's 5th b-day this year. I tried all day to put on a brave face, but for the most part I just wanted to launch myself into a medicated coma!!! And here's a whopper for ya...when my lovely husband asked me what was wrong and I mentioned I 'had alot on my mind', his response was 'get over it...it's been 15 years. So many other people have died in your life since then.' Mind you, the only reason he even knew the significance of that date was because my cousin had mentioned to him that I might be a little down, not because he KNOWS JACK SHIT ABOUT ME!!! He refuses to talk about it, talk about anything from my past. Like I never even existed before we met? It is so freaking bizarre. How about HUG YOUR FUCKING WIFE WHO IS SAD ABOUT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT IN HER LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

Sometimes I think I am living in the god blessed twilight zone...some alternate universe and at any moment I am going to wake up because this cannot possibly be my life.

Anyways, it also hit me really hard over the weekend that my son is FIVE! Where did that past five years go? My BABY is FIVE! Now that I am back to work I am missing my time with my kids so much. Don't get me wrong, I love the 'adult' time, but miss my munchkins too.

And of course, the ever impending doom hanging over my marriage is always forefront in my mind. Been looking at another house that I am very interested in and still shooting to separate after the first of the year.

Seriously, is this my life???

-Abi

NUMB...

Everything is coming apart at the seams and I just can't wrap my mind around any of it. I just want a life...MY LIFE...with my kids. I am a good mother, I am good at what I do (my job when I have one), I am a fantastic friend (one of the best you will ever have), I am a strong individual...but right now, I feel like completely falling apart...which I cannot do! I am SOOOOO trying to stay strong and hold it together right now. I cannot cry in front of my kids...I REFUSE! They are already so confused. I just want......I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!! I want to be selfish, do what makes me feel good for THIS MOMENT...curl up with a friend and weep uncontrolably but I can't even do that! And is that what I REALLY want? Probably not, but the alternative right now sucks and the escape, if only for a few hours, sounds fan-freaking-tastic!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XpyaRd-leA

Also, I got an 'update email' from a friend who just finished her cancer treatment and it really hit home for me with everything that's going on right now. Life is too short to not live each day to the fullest. Live, Laugh, LOVE, Lust.!!! Everyone should have that...EVERYONE...ALL THE TIME! Don't waste time being uhappy...do what makes you feel the most alive!!!!

-Abi

My mom sent this to me at the end of August. Always find truth in the stars....

Pisces - The Week Ahead*
25th August 2008 - 31st August 2008
Pluto has been a constant figure on your astrological landscape so you should be well prepared for this week's peaks and troughs. A relationship reaches its zenith or nadir and, in general, events will be over-the-top fantastic or down-in-the-depths dreary. Should you be starting out with a new person or signing up for a new commitment this will change your life in the most profound way; on the other hand, should you have been trying to make a situation work under the most trying of circumstances what takes place between now and late September could prove to be the last straw. Transformation is Pluto's brief and any which way change comes in has to be embraced whole-heartedly.

How Is This My Life???

JESUS! I don't even know where to start except that my life (which was already a trainwreck) has been completely turned inside out and upside down in the past two days!

One minute I am having a fantastic time (best RELAXED time I have had in a LONG TIME), the next I am fighting with my IDIOT husband over the phone (which I never should have answered) and making sure he doesn't take the kids from my parents house! Holy disaster!

Long of the short, the kids and I spent the night at my parents and Saturday morning I talked to my GF, who is an attorney, and she drew up the papers for me. So I guess I am filing this week. And of course my husband is making this miserable for me and saying horrid things to the kids, like 'who do you guys want to live with?' and 'you know your mom is ruining your lives right?'....WTF, who says that to their kids? No matter how much I HATE HIM right now, I would never bad mouth him to the kids....He is their father for fucks sake! Grow up dude! Of course they are saying they want to live with us both you dillhole, they dont understand what is going on....but when he kept pushing they ultimately say they want to live with me. Is that what you wanted to hear you MORON! Make you feel better?

Anyways, just venting...AGAIN! And how is it that I am more sad about a friendship ending then I am about my marriage ending? Too much for my little heart to process right now. Emotionally EXHAUSTED! And real sad......

-Abi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln2_xzJ9jQQ

ANNOYED

I finally got the courage to talk to my parents about leaving my husband and they were not as supportive as I had hoped. And after spending most of the day weeping at their house there was no way my husband wasnt going to notice something was up. So I finally decided to just tell him what had been on my mind. Now of course he wasnt shocked, but instead said that he would stay in this marriage forever, regardless of if he loved me, because 'after you have kids, that's what your supposed to do'! UMM NO IT ISN'T MORON!!!!!! Seriously, sometimes it's like I live in the twilight zone!

Anyways, we are ONCE AGAIN, going to try and work on things (or at least he thinks we are). Meanwhile, I am going back to work, getting my shit together and after our 'family trip' with the kids at the end of October, I AM OUT! PEACE! SEE YA!

Once you lose respect for someone, its real hard to get that back. And for the most part, neither of us respect each other! But the main thing is that we both know we need to do whats best for the kids and that they come first. We have different ideas of what that should be....but in the end we will always do what it right for them. And as for me, I don't think growing up in a home with parents who can barely stand the sight of each other is healthy at all. And deep down, I don't think he does either.

-Abi

BTW, totally missing Annabelle lately. She has her own stuff going on, but she is my lifeline from all this insanity....just miss her. :(

We don't seem to be agreeing on much lately...really bumming me out! *sigh* When everyone around you thinks your crazy/wrong and the one person who is keeping you sane by telling you your not isn't around....it's hard not to start to think that there is something wrong with you. I guess we'll see.