I have so much to blog and no idea where to start.....
Let's just say that as a last ditch effort to try and save this disaster that is my marriage, my husband and I went to counseling today (he finally agreed to go after I threatened counseling or sign the divorce papers). For the first time, I think we both rationally agree this marriage is not salvagable. It is a very odd feeling......not sure why I am feeling this way......but I am.....sad?
-Abi
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Just a quick update
I rarely get time to blog or even get online anymore. Super busy with work and when I am home I am spending all the free time I do have with my kids. This is a huge adjustment for them...and me too. My son asked me this morning "Mom, where are were getting dropped off today?"...I almost started weeping right then. But I have the next few days off for the holiday and we'll get to sleep in and have a pajama party...just me and the kids. My husband is sick so he has been sleeping on the couch...WOOHOO for me! (ok, now that was just mean...sorry)
Anyways, he still has his job and will probably be getting laid off after next week. He is looking for a new job and as soon as he gets one and I know it is going to work out, I AM OUT! I went out dancing/drinking with my cousin last weekend and on my drive home I started thinking to myself...I just want to go to MY OWN home, no one to tell me I have to wake up early, to get mad at me for being hung over, sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed if I want...that would be so fantastic! It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to sleep in the same bed with him. Not because any sort of sex is going on, because it's NOT, but I literally just don't want to be around him.
How is this my life? And why am I finding it so difficult to get the fuck out? The little voice in the back of my head is telling me 'maybe there is a reason you are sticking around'....but I honestly don't know what the reason could possibly be.
And of course there are still 'my boys'.....lol. Although it is actually down to 1 or 2 at the moment. I seriously have no time! NONE! I have just enough time for the one who is only in town two or three times a month and spoils me rotten! Best kind to have! ;)
-Abi
Anyways, he still has his job and will probably be getting laid off after next week. He is looking for a new job and as soon as he gets one and I know it is going to work out, I AM OUT! I went out dancing/drinking with my cousin last weekend and on my drive home I started thinking to myself...I just want to go to MY OWN home, no one to tell me I have to wake up early, to get mad at me for being hung over, sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed if I want...that would be so fantastic! It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to sleep in the same bed with him. Not because any sort of sex is going on, because it's NOT, but I literally just don't want to be around him.
How is this my life? And why am I finding it so difficult to get the fuck out? The little voice in the back of my head is telling me 'maybe there is a reason you are sticking around'....but I honestly don't know what the reason could possibly be.
And of course there are still 'my boys'.....lol. Although it is actually down to 1 or 2 at the moment. I seriously have no time! NONE! I have just enough time for the one who is only in town two or three times a month and spoils me rotten! Best kind to have! ;)
-Abi
Saturday, September 20, 2008
2nd "biggest"
issue in my life right now, besides the bending over backwards to keep my husband engaged.
http://annabellevlb.livejournal.com/
http://annabellevlb.livejournal.com/
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Is this the year 2008?
Does anyone besides me realize it is the year 2008 and the idea of the June Clever/Holly Homemaker wife is completely outdated???
Wake up people...Women this day and age have careers and OUR OWN LIVES outside of our partnership. We were not put on the earth to serve as your chef/maid/whipping post!!!! No matter what your mama's may have told you!
Marriage has enough pressures, but add this expectation to the mix and you may as well dial 1-800-DIVORCE!
I had this chat with my father last week.....it is crazy to think that you can spend 100% of your time with your significant other without going insane. This is why you have friends....of course you do things with your partner/spouse that you enjoy, but hey....on Sunday morning you can bet I don't want to hit the golf course for 18 holes. And yeah, some Friday nights I would rather have dinner with some girlfriends and go out dancing. News flash...everyone needs space...time to take care of themselves. ME TIME!
I lost ME a long time ago. I was raised as a spoiled brat...I am still a spoiled brat....I am always going to be a spoiled brat. But after I got married and had kids I went from being #1, and it being all about me, to getting knocked down to #4. And let me tell you ...#4 sucks donkey balls! I think alot of women fall into this pattern or whatever you want to call it...kids come first, then the husband and if there is any sort of time left (which I am the first to tell you there isn't) you get time for you. Everyone deserves ME TIME! And it has been just recently that I realized this and I am fighting for it tooth and nail! My husband doesn't seem to understand why I need this time to myself....umm hello I have been home with the kids for almost 5 years.....7 days a week. I dont get breaks, no lunch hour, I don't get to clock out at 5:00. WTF do you mean you don't understand? And don't get me wrong I am sure it is a struggle to get out of bed and go to work even when you feel like complete shit because you know you are the only one bringing in any sort of income....but jesus....take time for yourself as well. I am the first to tell my husband to set a tee time or go have some beers with the boys. He chooses not to and I have decided I am no longer going to feel guilty about me choosing to take MY TIME!
Lots of rants lately...sorry about that. But I need to get it all out somewhere because obviously the things I am saying my husband chooses to ignore!
-Abi
Wake up people...Women this day and age have careers and OUR OWN LIVES outside of our partnership. We were not put on the earth to serve as your chef/maid/whipping post!!!! No matter what your mama's may have told you!
Marriage has enough pressures, but add this expectation to the mix and you may as well dial 1-800-DIVORCE!
I had this chat with my father last week.....it is crazy to think that you can spend 100% of your time with your significant other without going insane. This is why you have friends....of course you do things with your partner/spouse that you enjoy, but hey....on Sunday morning you can bet I don't want to hit the golf course for 18 holes. And yeah, some Friday nights I would rather have dinner with some girlfriends and go out dancing. News flash...everyone needs space...time to take care of themselves. ME TIME!
I lost ME a long time ago. I was raised as a spoiled brat...I am still a spoiled brat....I am always going to be a spoiled brat. But after I got married and had kids I went from being #1, and it being all about me, to getting knocked down to #4. And let me tell you ...#4 sucks donkey balls! I think alot of women fall into this pattern or whatever you want to call it...kids come first, then the husband and if there is any sort of time left (which I am the first to tell you there isn't) you get time for you. Everyone deserves ME TIME! And it has been just recently that I realized this and I am fighting for it tooth and nail! My husband doesn't seem to understand why I need this time to myself....umm hello I have been home with the kids for almost 5 years.....7 days a week. I dont get breaks, no lunch hour, I don't get to clock out at 5:00. WTF do you mean you don't understand? And don't get me wrong I am sure it is a struggle to get out of bed and go to work even when you feel like complete shit because you know you are the only one bringing in any sort of income....but jesus....take time for yourself as well. I am the first to tell my husband to set a tee time or go have some beers with the boys. He chooses not to and I have decided I am no longer going to feel guilty about me choosing to take MY TIME!
Lots of rants lately...sorry about that. But I need to get it all out somewhere because obviously the things I am saying my husband chooses to ignore!
-Abi
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
BTW
Everyone sucks today......You meet someone who you think is going to turn out to be the perfect friend with benefits.....both married, so there is no worries about getting ratted out on either side. You chat for hours via IM, exchange photos and instantly there is a connection. You have a ton in common, same ideas about sex....on paper a perfect match.
And then, cold feet. Most first timers get it and what they don't know is that the curiosity that got them to that point only gets more intense as time goes on. They think they can get past it or push it out of their mind....but I am here to tell you, it ain't happening! I have tried so many times to be a 'good wife'...it lasts for a while and then my husband starts his asshole bullshit and I end up looking for that emotional connection somewhere else with someone who understands me. That in itself is hard to come by. Most guys just want to nail you and bail. No thank you .
I am looking for someone who not only understands me (and obviously is ok with my situation), but values my friendship, finds me attractive, is passionate about me and for fucks sake, treats me like the queen I know I am. I deserve nothing less! So meeting some random drunk horny prick in a bar isn't doing it for me! Although I do tend to drink quite a bit when I am out and for some reason the drunk horny pricks get more and more attractive after about 6 or 7 double raspberry stoli's! But that is besides the point.....I do seriously need to work on the saying no to assholes like that! I need a card to put in my purse that says 'just say no to drunk horny pricks...you deserve better'...maybe tape it to the back of my drivers license or something so everytime I go to pay for yet ANOTHER drink I'll have that as my reminder!
Like I said, it was a real bad day! Just venting!
On a lighter note I have met someone who I find very intriguing...been chatting with him as well via IM....so we will see where that goes. Right now I am just real hesitant about meeting strangers in person. Can you blame me? I swear I am constantly thinking I am being set up for the show Cheaters or the my husband hired a private dick....SERIOUSLY! I am so paranoid!
-Abi
And then, cold feet. Most first timers get it and what they don't know is that the curiosity that got them to that point only gets more intense as time goes on. They think they can get past it or push it out of their mind....but I am here to tell you, it ain't happening! I have tried so many times to be a 'good wife'...it lasts for a while and then my husband starts his asshole bullshit and I end up looking for that emotional connection somewhere else with someone who understands me. That in itself is hard to come by. Most guys just want to nail you and bail. No thank you .
I am looking for someone who not only understands me (and obviously is ok with my situation), but values my friendship, finds me attractive, is passionate about me and for fucks sake, treats me like the queen I know I am. I deserve nothing less! So meeting some random drunk horny prick in a bar isn't doing it for me! Although I do tend to drink quite a bit when I am out and for some reason the drunk horny pricks get more and more attractive after about 6 or 7 double raspberry stoli's! But that is besides the point.....I do seriously need to work on the saying no to assholes like that! I need a card to put in my purse that says 'just say no to drunk horny pricks...you deserve better'...maybe tape it to the back of my drivers license or something so everytime I go to pay for yet ANOTHER drink I'll have that as my reminder!
Like I said, it was a real bad day! Just venting!
On a lighter note I have met someone who I find very intriguing...been chatting with him as well via IM....so we will see where that goes. Right now I am just real hesitant about meeting strangers in person. Can you blame me? I swear I am constantly thinking I am being set up for the show Cheaters or the my husband hired a private dick....SERIOUSLY! I am so paranoid!
-Abi
Polyamory
To be or not to be???? I think everyone has such a different idea of what Polyamory actually means. Some think it means adding a third person to your existing relationship (the triad), some people think it means you and your partner are free to seek out other partners outside of your relationship (open marriage etc), some idiots think it give you license to nail anyone and everything....and most people just think we are all freaks/kinky whores.
Well let me just say that for those of you out there feeling ashamed or like something is wrong with you because you don't necessarily fit into the 'Monogamy' mold....You are not alone!
I am sure when you got married or entered into a commited relationship you probably were so 'in love' that the thought of being with someone else never crossed your mind. Now you are a few, maybe even 10, years into it and things sort went south in the SEX department (a little more vanilla and a little less spice). You miss that first kiss or the excitement of meeting someone new and staying up all night getting to know them, the passion, the romance....
And if you are still married or maintaining a commited relationship, the guilt can be overwhelming. And let's face it, most of us are not willing to tell our partner for fear of losing them. Obviously if you are in the relationship something lead you there, whether it be love, passion, common interests, whatever. For those of you willing to take that step and be open about your feelings with your partner, the fallout can be the worst possible in most cases. So unless you start your relationship being open and honest that monogamy just isnt for you, get ready to suffer the consequences. I have never in my life felt more guilt about any one thing then I do about hiding this from my husband. But there is no way on earth he would ever understand.
Someone asked me the other day, 'if your husband has no idea about this and it is such a big part of who you are, then he doesn't really know you at all?'. This got me thinking. I am a completely different person around my spouse. I have had many friends over the years point this out to me. I have conformed to the monogamist life style...I am a wife and a mother. Two very important things to me. But there is this huge part of my soul that just wants....NEEDS...more!
This is by far the most intense life change I could possibly imagine and a very long hard journey at that!
-Abi
Side note: I do not claim to be Poly, hell it's just a label. I sure as hell am not Ethically Poly! Maybe I am just a rat bitch cheating wife and the Poly label just makes me feel better about it???? Something to think about......
Well let me just say that for those of you out there feeling ashamed or like something is wrong with you because you don't necessarily fit into the 'Monogamy' mold....You are not alone!
I am sure when you got married or entered into a commited relationship you probably were so 'in love' that the thought of being with someone else never crossed your mind. Now you are a few, maybe even 10, years into it and things sort went south in the SEX department (a little more vanilla and a little less spice). You miss that first kiss or the excitement of meeting someone new and staying up all night getting to know them, the passion, the romance....
And if you are still married or maintaining a commited relationship, the guilt can be overwhelming. And let's face it, most of us are not willing to tell our partner for fear of losing them. Obviously if you are in the relationship something lead you there, whether it be love, passion, common interests, whatever. For those of you willing to take that step and be open about your feelings with your partner, the fallout can be the worst possible in most cases. So unless you start your relationship being open and honest that monogamy just isnt for you, get ready to suffer the consequences. I have never in my life felt more guilt about any one thing then I do about hiding this from my husband. But there is no way on earth he would ever understand.
Someone asked me the other day, 'if your husband has no idea about this and it is such a big part of who you are, then he doesn't really know you at all?'. This got me thinking. I am a completely different person around my spouse. I have had many friends over the years point this out to me. I have conformed to the monogamist life style...I am a wife and a mother. Two very important things to me. But there is this huge part of my soul that just wants....NEEDS...more!
This is by far the most intense life change I could possibly imagine and a very long hard journey at that!
-Abi
Side note: I do not claim to be Poly, hell it's just a label. I sure as hell am not Ethically Poly! Maybe I am just a rat bitch cheating wife and the Poly label just makes me feel better about it???? Something to think about......
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