OMG

This is exactly where I am at right now....this came on my ipod today and not only did I get goosebumps but I started weeping!



P.S. Please disregard the cheesy video.

-Abi

"Reflection"

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where
I Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

Blog.....

I have so much to blog and no idea where to start.....

Let's just say that as a last ditch effort to try and save this disaster that is my marriage, my husband and I went to counseling today (he finally agreed to go after I threatened counseling or sign the divorce papers). For the first time, I think we both rationally agree this marriage is not salvagable. It is a very odd feeling......not sure why I am feeling this way......but I am.....sad?

-Abi

I'm Sad

Over the weekend was the 15 year anniversary of my first technical 'true love/boyfriend' death. This boy could melt my heart with a smile. I can still close my eyes and see his face/smile with such clarity sometimes it scares me. We had known each other since grade school and started dating in high school. It literally seems as though it happened yesterday. I cannot believe it has been 15 years. That day changed my life in so many ways. I have no idea where I'd be today if he were still here. Would I be married to whom I am married too? Would I be a mother? So many unanswered questions and for those of you who follow my blog, you know I don't do well with unanswered questions. Maybe this is why I am in constant need of closure? Not being able to say goodbye to him or get that closure has haunted me for years. So many things I would ask. So many thing I would do differently.

Unfortunately, the anniversary fell on the day we were celebrating my son's 5th b-day this year. I tried all day to put on a brave face, but for the most part I just wanted to launch myself into a medicated coma!!! And here's a whopper for ya...when my lovely husband asked me what was wrong and I mentioned I 'had alot on my mind', his response was 'get over it...it's been 15 years. So many other people have died in your life since then.' Mind you, the only reason he even knew the significance of that date was because my cousin had mentioned to him that I might be a little down, not because he KNOWS JACK SHIT ABOUT ME!!! He refuses to talk about it, talk about anything from my past. Like I never even existed before we met? It is so freaking bizarre. How about HUG YOUR FUCKING WIFE WHO IS SAD ABOUT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT IN HER LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

Sometimes I think I am living in the god blessed twilight zone...some alternate universe and at any moment I am going to wake up because this cannot possibly be my life.

Anyways, it also hit me really hard over the weekend that my son is FIVE! Where did that past five years go? My BABY is FIVE! Now that I am back to work I am missing my time with my kids so much. Don't get me wrong, I love the 'adult' time, but miss my munchkins too.

And of course, the ever impending doom hanging over my marriage is always forefront in my mind. Been looking at another house that I am very interested in and still shooting to separate after the first of the year.

Seriously, is this my life???

-Abi