I'm Sad

Over the weekend was the 15 year anniversary of my first technical 'true love/boyfriend' death. This boy could melt my heart with a smile. I can still close my eyes and see his face/smile with such clarity sometimes it scares me. We had known each other since grade school and started dating in high school. It literally seems as though it happened yesterday. I cannot believe it has been 15 years. That day changed my life in so many ways. I have no idea where I'd be today if he were still here. Would I be married to whom I am married too? Would I be a mother? So many unanswered questions and for those of you who follow my blog, you know I don't do well with unanswered questions. Maybe this is why I am in constant need of closure? Not being able to say goodbye to him or get that closure has haunted me for years. So many things I would ask. So many thing I would do differently.

Unfortunately, the anniversary fell on the day we were celebrating my son's 5th b-day this year. I tried all day to put on a brave face, but for the most part I just wanted to launch myself into a medicated coma!!! And here's a whopper for ya...when my lovely husband asked me what was wrong and I mentioned I 'had alot on my mind', his response was 'get over it...it's been 15 years. So many other people have died in your life since then.' Mind you, the only reason he even knew the significance of that date was because my cousin had mentioned to him that I might be a little down, not because he KNOWS JACK SHIT ABOUT ME!!! He refuses to talk about it, talk about anything from my past. Like I never even existed before we met? It is so freaking bizarre. How about HUG YOUR FUCKING WIFE WHO IS SAD ABOUT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT IN HER LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

Sometimes I think I am living in the god blessed twilight zone...some alternate universe and at any moment I am going to wake up because this cannot possibly be my life.

Anyways, it also hit me really hard over the weekend that my son is FIVE! Where did that past five years go? My BABY is FIVE! Now that I am back to work I am missing my time with my kids so much. Don't get me wrong, I love the 'adult' time, but miss my munchkins too.

And of course, the ever impending doom hanging over my marriage is always forefront in my mind. Been looking at another house that I am very interested in and still shooting to separate after the first of the year.

Seriously, is this my life???

-Abi