It feels so good to finally realize all I need is ME to take care of ME! When I find the man who can handle it and step up to the plate...I have no words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6coobo3nzQ
-Abi
(PS...not that I will ever need a man ever AGAIN! I refuse!!!!)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Connections...
So back a few posts Annabelle mentioned connections and/or connecting with people. I have come to realize that I very much need the connection. There is a time and a place for no names to be exchanged and some anonymity...but for the most part I need to feel a connection with someone.
Example #1: There is one guy I have been seeing who is not much for talking. Hell, we could be strangers who meet at a local motel and don't speak (unless told to speak) the entire time. It's ok and serves its purpose, but the connection is lacking.
Example #2: There is Joe. Good Ol' Joe. He is a peach. Asks about my kids, my job, ME! Even if he could give a flying fig about my response, HE ASKS and pretends to care! He has no idea how many points this scores him! He is hot as hell, charming, sweet, spoils me rotten, and even if sex sucked (which it TOTALLY doesn't) I would continue to see him because he makes me smile. He comes to town once or twice a month, we have a great time and that's that. But there is a connection on some level.
Example #3: There is this guy. Where do I begin... We have virtually nothing in common. Complete push and pull (more me pushing) relationship. But the physical connection is one I have yet to match. So passionate and intense in the moment. For the most part, I literally cannot stand how cocky this person is and/or their need to control EVERY situation, but I find myself missing THAT connection (not the person per se). This person could get me to go places I never thought of going and I didn't even give it a second thought. It came so naturally. As per usual, I got all fucking 'needy' and this relationship (or whatever you want to call it) is no longer an option. But I do find myself reminding myself from time to time that this connection is the one I seek.
I need to not lose sight of how important CONNECTING with someone is. It is the best part of being intimate. Even if the connection is only physical. Wait for it...here it comes...the cheesy chic B/S...but you can completely see into someones soul when you look into their eyes. I truly believe that. I may be a romantic sappy girl at heart, but there is something about looking into someones eyes during the most passionate of moments, and no matter how guarded they are, you see it ALL!
-Abi
So much new music out there catching my ear...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yff9nCctMkg
Example #1: There is one guy I have been seeing who is not much for talking. Hell, we could be strangers who meet at a local motel and don't speak (unless told to speak) the entire time. It's ok and serves its purpose, but the connection is lacking.
Example #2: There is Joe. Good Ol' Joe. He is a peach. Asks about my kids, my job, ME! Even if he could give a flying fig about my response, HE ASKS and pretends to care! He has no idea how many points this scores him! He is hot as hell, charming, sweet, spoils me rotten, and even if sex sucked (which it TOTALLY doesn't) I would continue to see him because he makes me smile. He comes to town once or twice a month, we have a great time and that's that. But there is a connection on some level.
Example #3: There is this guy. Where do I begin... We have virtually nothing in common. Complete push and pull (more me pushing) relationship. But the physical connection is one I have yet to match. So passionate and intense in the moment. For the most part, I literally cannot stand how cocky this person is and/or their need to control EVERY situation, but I find myself missing THAT connection (not the person per se). This person could get me to go places I never thought of going and I didn't even give it a second thought. It came so naturally. As per usual, I got all fucking 'needy' and this relationship (or whatever you want to call it) is no longer an option. But I do find myself reminding myself from time to time that this connection is the one I seek.
I need to not lose sight of how important CONNECTING with someone is. It is the best part of being intimate. Even if the connection is only physical. Wait for it...here it comes...the cheesy chic B/S...but you can completely see into someones soul when you look into their eyes. I truly believe that. I may be a romantic sappy girl at heart, but there is something about looking into someones eyes during the most passionate of moments, and no matter how guarded they are, you see it ALL!
-Abi
So much new music out there catching my ear...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yff9nCctMkg
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Just a quick update
I rarely get time to blog or even get online anymore. Super busy with work and when I am home I am spending all the free time I do have with my kids. This is a huge adjustment for them...and me too. My son asked me this morning "Mom, where are were getting dropped off today?"...I almost started weeping right then. But I have the next few days off for the holiday and we'll get to sleep in and have a pajama party...just me and the kids. My husband is sick so he has been sleeping on the couch...WOOHOO for me! (ok, now that was just mean...sorry)
Anyways, he still has his job and will probably be getting laid off after next week. He is looking for a new job and as soon as he gets one and I know it is going to work out, I AM OUT! I went out dancing/drinking with my cousin last weekend and on my drive home I started thinking to myself...I just want to go to MY OWN home, no one to tell me I have to wake up early, to get mad at me for being hung over, sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed if I want...that would be so fantastic! It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to sleep in the same bed with him. Not because any sort of sex is going on, because it's NOT, but I literally just don't want to be around him.
How is this my life? And why am I finding it so difficult to get the fuck out? The little voice in the back of my head is telling me 'maybe there is a reason you are sticking around'....but I honestly don't know what the reason could possibly be.
And of course there are still 'my boys'.....lol. Although it is actually down to 1 or 2 at the moment. I seriously have no time! NONE! I have just enough time for the one who is only in town two or three times a month and spoils me rotten! Best kind to have! ;)
-Abi
Anyways, he still has his job and will probably be getting laid off after next week. He is looking for a new job and as soon as he gets one and I know it is going to work out, I AM OUT! I went out dancing/drinking with my cousin last weekend and on my drive home I started thinking to myself...I just want to go to MY OWN home, no one to tell me I have to wake up early, to get mad at me for being hung over, sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed if I want...that would be so fantastic! It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to sleep in the same bed with him. Not because any sort of sex is going on, because it's NOT, but I literally just don't want to be around him.
How is this my life? And why am I finding it so difficult to get the fuck out? The little voice in the back of my head is telling me 'maybe there is a reason you are sticking around'....but I honestly don't know what the reason could possibly be.
And of course there are still 'my boys'.....lol. Although it is actually down to 1 or 2 at the moment. I seriously have no time! NONE! I have just enough time for the one who is only in town two or three times a month and spoils me rotten! Best kind to have! ;)
-Abi
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
On My Way
So I am now back to work full time and on my way to financial independence. Only a matter of time b4 I can walk out the door and feel secure in doing so, knowing that I can provide for me and my kids. Unfortunately, my husband is getting laid off and until he finds something stable I cannot technically leave just yet. What sort of rat bitch of a wife leaves her just laid off husband after he supported this family (financially) for the past 5 years? And yes, I know what you all are thinking, I am already a rat bitch of a wife so why stop now...but I do care for the man. He is the father of my children. Can't kick him when he's down. But for the most part, he is very aware that our marriage is over.
Hey, anyone have any sedatives they want to share? lol
-Abi
Oh, and on the boy front, just sort of laying low lately. Especially now that I practically have NO FREE TIME! But there is still one or two who have kept my interest. And one is real sweet...just what I need right now! ;)
Hey, anyone have any sedatives they want to share? lol
-Abi
Oh, and on the boy front, just sort of laying low lately. Especially now that I practically have NO FREE TIME! But there is still one or two who have kept my interest. And one is real sweet...just what I need right now! ;)
Monday, November 17, 2008
GURU
I miss my Guru of everything 20-something. Stupid GF's ruin all male/female friendships. Stop being so insecure and deal! GEEZ.......
Friday, November 14, 2008
Finally
Today is roughly four months since I told my husband that I'd like to date other people. This message wasn't received well at that time doesn't seem to be any easier for my husband to swallow today. Until very recently, I had always kept the tiniest bit of pride in my discolsure, thankful that I had the courage to attempt to live my life as authentically as possible.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I'M BACK......
So, long time no post. Went on vacation (from here on out to be known as V.F.H. = vacation from hell)! And although I had computer access, I really didnt have much to blog about. I know, I know.....I always have something to blog about right? lol
Well I missed Annabelle like CRAZY!!! We seriously talk everyday and I about died not being able to talk to her. By day 3 I felt like I was greiving! However, this trip did give me alot of time to think and reflect on ALOT! Gave me the time I needed to get some perspective on some of my choices of late. Not that I regret any of them, because we all know that at one point or another it was exactly what I wanted, but they gave me the knowledge I need to not repeat the same mistakes.
There are a few 'special' friends I still have in my life that I am thankful for. They get 'me' and ALL my crazy B/S. THANK GOD! Cuz I have ALOT going on right now! No rules, no restrictions, no maintaining me. They let me be needy when I want and vent when I want and right now I really need that! So thanks boys! You are the best!
I guess I can agree with Annabelle that I am not very good at 'this' either!
"I'm needy. I'm demanding. I'm impatient. None of these will get you qualifed as a good friend. And it seems no matter how hard I try, I just cannot shake my expectations. If a friend is hurting and I make a gesture of comfort, it's because I want to ease their pain. I don't expect anything in return. Then when it's my turn to ache, and someone fails to put their hand out, I feel hurt. It just doesn't make any sense. I had a therapist a few years ago tell me "there is no 'should'". I agree with her and I WANT to believe that, but that's just not how it works in my world. So all of these crazy expectations I have (what do you mean you don't want to talk to me every day? Of course you do!) don't get met. So I get annoyed. Then sad. Then I call/text/IM you 400 times. Then you think I'm a psychotic stalker and quit talking to me."
I hear you SISTER SOLDIER!
-Abi
Well I missed Annabelle like CRAZY!!! We seriously talk everyday and I about died not being able to talk to her. By day 3 I felt like I was greiving! However, this trip did give me alot of time to think and reflect on ALOT! Gave me the time I needed to get some perspective on some of my choices of late. Not that I regret any of them, because we all know that at one point or another it was exactly what I wanted, but they gave me the knowledge I need to not repeat the same mistakes.
There are a few 'special' friends I still have in my life that I am thankful for. They get 'me' and ALL my crazy B/S. THANK GOD! Cuz I have ALOT going on right now! No rules, no restrictions, no maintaining me. They let me be needy when I want and vent when I want and right now I really need that! So thanks boys! You are the best!
I guess I can agree with Annabelle that I am not very good at 'this' either!
"I'm needy. I'm demanding. I'm impatient. None of these will get you qualifed as a good friend. And it seems no matter how hard I try, I just cannot shake my expectations. If a friend is hurting and I make a gesture of comfort, it's because I want to ease their pain. I don't expect anything in return. Then when it's my turn to ache, and someone fails to put their hand out, I feel hurt. It just doesn't make any sense. I had a therapist a few years ago tell me "there is no 'should'". I agree with her and I WANT to believe that, but that's just not how it works in my world. So all of these crazy expectations I have (what do you mean you don't want to talk to me every day? Of course you do!) don't get met. So I get annoyed. Then sad. Then I call/text/IM you 400 times. Then you think I'm a psychotic stalker and quit talking to me."
I hear you SISTER SOLDIER!
-Abi
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