OMG

This is exactly where I am at right now....this came on my ipod today and not only did I get goosebumps but I started weeping!



P.S. Please disregard the cheesy video.

-Abi

"Reflection"

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where
I Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

Blog.....

I have so much to blog and no idea where to start.....

Let's just say that as a last ditch effort to try and save this disaster that is my marriage, my husband and I went to counseling today (he finally agreed to go after I threatened counseling or sign the divorce papers). For the first time, I think we both rationally agree this marriage is not salvagable. It is a very odd feeling......not sure why I am feeling this way......but I am.....sad?

-Abi

I'm Sad

Over the weekend was the 15 year anniversary of my first technical 'true love/boyfriend' death. This boy could melt my heart with a smile. I can still close my eyes and see his face/smile with such clarity sometimes it scares me. We had known each other since grade school and started dating in high school. It literally seems as though it happened yesterday. I cannot believe it has been 15 years. That day changed my life in so many ways. I have no idea where I'd be today if he were still here. Would I be married to whom I am married too? Would I be a mother? So many unanswered questions and for those of you who follow my blog, you know I don't do well with unanswered questions. Maybe this is why I am in constant need of closure? Not being able to say goodbye to him or get that closure has haunted me for years. So many things I would ask. So many thing I would do differently.

Unfortunately, the anniversary fell on the day we were celebrating my son's 5th b-day this year. I tried all day to put on a brave face, but for the most part I just wanted to launch myself into a medicated coma!!! And here's a whopper for ya...when my lovely husband asked me what was wrong and I mentioned I 'had alot on my mind', his response was 'get over it...it's been 15 years. So many other people have died in your life since then.' Mind you, the only reason he even knew the significance of that date was because my cousin had mentioned to him that I might be a little down, not because he KNOWS JACK SHIT ABOUT ME!!! He refuses to talk about it, talk about anything from my past. Like I never even existed before we met? It is so freaking bizarre. How about HUG YOUR FUCKING WIFE WHO IS SAD ABOUT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT IN HER LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

Sometimes I think I am living in the god blessed twilight zone...some alternate universe and at any moment I am going to wake up because this cannot possibly be my life.

Anyways, it also hit me really hard over the weekend that my son is FIVE! Where did that past five years go? My BABY is FIVE! Now that I am back to work I am missing my time with my kids so much. Don't get me wrong, I love the 'adult' time, but miss my munchkins too.

And of course, the ever impending doom hanging over my marriage is always forefront in my mind. Been looking at another house that I am very interested in and still shooting to separate after the first of the year.

Seriously, is this my life???

-Abi

Miss Independent

It feels so good to finally realize all I need is ME to take care of ME! When I find the man who can handle it and step up to the plate...I have no words...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6coobo3nzQ

-Abi

(PS...not that I will ever need a man ever AGAIN! I refuse!!!!)

Connections...

So back a few posts Annabelle mentioned connections and/or connecting with people. I have come to realize that I very much need the connection. There is a time and a place for no names to be exchanged and some anonymity...but for the most part I need to feel a connection with someone.

Example #1: There is one guy I have been seeing who is not much for talking. Hell, we could be strangers who meet at a local motel and don't speak (unless told to speak) the entire time. It's ok and serves its purpose, but the connection is lacking.

Example #2: There is Joe. Good Ol' Joe. He is a peach. Asks about my kids, my job, ME! Even if he could give a flying fig about my response, HE ASKS and pretends to care! He has no idea how many points this scores him! He is hot as hell, charming, sweet, spoils me rotten, and even if sex sucked (which it TOTALLY doesn't) I would continue to see him because he makes me smile. He comes to town once or twice a month, we have a great time and that's that. But there is a connection on some level.

Example #3: There is this guy. Where do I begin... We have virtually nothing in common. Complete push and pull (more me pushing) relationship. But the physical connection is one I have yet to match. So passionate and intense in the moment. For the most part, I literally cannot stand how cocky this person is and/or their need to control EVERY situation, but I find myself missing THAT connection (not the person per se). This person could get me to go places I never thought of going and I didn't even give it a second thought. It came so naturally. As per usual, I got all fucking 'needy' and this relationship (or whatever you want to call it) is no longer an option. But I do find myself reminding myself from time to time that this connection is the one I seek.

I need to not lose sight of how important CONNECTING with someone is. It is the best part of being intimate. Even if the connection is only physical. Wait for it...here it comes...the cheesy chic B/S...but you can completely see into someones soul when you look into their eyes. I truly believe that. I may be a romantic sappy girl at heart, but there is something about looking into someones eyes during the most passionate of moments, and no matter how guarded they are, you see it ALL!

-Abi

So much new music out there catching my ear...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yff9nCctMkg

Just a quick update

I rarely get time to blog or even get online anymore. Super busy with work and when I am home I am spending all the free time I do have with my kids. This is a huge adjustment for them...and me too. My son asked me this morning "Mom, where are were getting dropped off today?"...I almost started weeping right then. But I have the next few days off for the holiday and we'll get to sleep in and have a pajama party...just me and the kids. My husband is sick so he has been sleeping on the couch...WOOHOO for me! (ok, now that was just mean...sorry)

Anyways, he still has his job and will probably be getting laid off after next week. He is looking for a new job and as soon as he gets one and I know it is going to work out, I AM OUT! I went out dancing/drinking with my cousin last weekend and on my drive home I started thinking to myself...I just want to go to MY OWN home, no one to tell me I have to wake up early, to get mad at me for being hung over, sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed if I want...that would be so fantastic! It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to sleep in the same bed with him. Not because any sort of sex is going on, because it's NOT, but I literally just don't want to be around him.

How is this my life? And why am I finding it so difficult to get the fuck out? The little voice in the back of my head is telling me 'maybe there is a reason you are sticking around'....but I honestly don't know what the reason could possibly be.

And of course there are still 'my boys'.....lol. Although it is actually down to 1 or 2 at the moment. I seriously have no time! NONE! I have just enough time for the one who is only in town two or three times a month and spoils me rotten! Best kind to have! ;)

-Abi

On My Way

So I am now back to work full time and on my way to financial independence. Only a matter of time b4 I can walk out the door and feel secure in doing so, knowing that I can provide for me and my kids. Unfortunately, my husband is getting laid off and until he finds something stable I cannot technically leave just yet. What sort of rat bitch of a wife leaves her just laid off husband after he supported this family (financially) for the past 5 years? And yes, I know what you all are thinking, I am already a rat bitch of a wife so why stop now...but I do care for the man. He is the father of my children. Can't kick him when he's down. But for the most part, he is very aware that our marriage is over.

Hey, anyone have any sedatives they want to share? lol

-Abi

Oh, and on the boy front, just sort of laying low lately. Especially now that I practically have NO FREE TIME! But there is still one or two who have kept my interest. And one is real sweet...just what I need right now! ;)

GURU

I miss my Guru of everything 20-something. Stupid GF's ruin all male/female friendships. Stop being so insecure and deal! GEEZ.......

Finally

Today is roughly four months since I told my husband that I'd like to date other people. This message wasn't received well at that time doesn't seem to be any easier for my husband to swallow today. Until very recently, I had always kept the tiniest bit of pride in my discolsure, thankful that I had the courage to attempt to live my life as authentically as possible.

I'M BACK......

So, long time no post. Went on vacation (from here on out to be known as V.F.H. = vacation from hell)! And although I had computer access, I really didnt have much to blog about. I know, I know.....I always have something to blog about right? lol

Well I missed Annabelle like CRAZY!!! We seriously talk everyday and I about died not being able to talk to her. By day 3 I felt like I was greiving! However, this trip did give me alot of time to think and reflect on ALOT! Gave me the time I needed to get some perspective on some of my choices of late. Not that I regret any of them, because we all know that at one point or another it was exactly what I wanted, but they gave me the knowledge I need to not repeat the same mistakes.

There are a few 'special' friends I still have in my life that I am thankful for. They get 'me' and ALL my crazy B/S. THANK GOD! Cuz I have ALOT going on right now! No rules, no restrictions, no maintaining me. They let me be needy when I want and vent when I want and right now I really need that! So thanks boys! You are the best!

I guess I can agree with Annabelle that I am not very good at 'this' either!

"I'm needy. I'm demanding. I'm impatient. None of these will get you qualifed as a good friend. And it seems no matter how hard I try, I just cannot shake my expectations. If a friend is hurting and I make a gesture of comfort, it's because I want to ease their pain. I don't expect anything in return. Then when it's my turn to ache, and someone fails to put their hand out, I feel hurt. It just doesn't make any sense. I had a therapist a few years ago tell me "there is no 'should'". I agree with her and I WANT to believe that, but that's just not how it works in my world. So all of these crazy expectations I have (what do you mean you don't want to talk to me every day? Of course you do!) don't get met. So I get annoyed. Then sad. Then I call/text/IM you 400 times. Then you think I'm a psychotic stalker and quit talking to me."

I hear you SISTER SOLDIER!

-Abi

Connection Overload

I'm a connector.
I talk to my best friend, Abi, via phone, text and/or IM at least 3 times EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Every. Day.
I spend a lot of time and emotional energy thinking about, talking to or talking about, my friends and family.
In fact, my marriage is right now in jeopardy because of my need to connect.
And the saddest part is that I'm realizing that I'm just not very good at it.

I'm needy. I'm demanding. I'm impatient. None of these will get you qualifed as a good friend.
And it seems no matter how hard I try, i just cannot shake my expectations. If a friend is hurting and I make
a gesture of comfort, it's because I want to ease their pain. I don't expect anything in return. Then when it's
my turn to ache, and someone fails to put their hand out, i feel hurt. It just doesn't make any sense.
I had a therapist a few years ago tell me "there is no 'should'". I agree with her and I WANT to believe that,
but that's just not how it works in my world.

So all of these crazy expectations I have (what do you mean you don't want to talk to me every day?
of course you do!) don't get met. So I get annoyed. Then sad. Then I call/text/IM you 400 times.
Then you think I'm a psychotic stalker and quit talking to me.

Did I mention I'm not very good at this?

Seriously...

Some people have lost their ever loving minds or started smoking CRACK!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qux6PhqbBBU

FUCK YOU!

-Abi

Lyrical Advice...and I'm Heeding It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrn17soPpQQ

-Abi

Fantastic Weekend

Well Annabelle left this morning (I weeped all the way home from the airport) and I am so sad that I probably wont see her again until spring. God I love that girl!!!! Cannot beleive she doesn't live here.....totally blows.

But our weekend was amazing!!! Drinking and dancing. My cousin eneded up out with us on Friday which was fantasic. I miss her like crazy too. She is a hoot!! We had a blast. A few other friends met us there too, so it worked out for the best! ;) Got caught in the midst of a frat boy scuffle so I left with a boot print (tread and all) on the back of my calve, finger prints on one of my arms and I lost a sassy shoe! What a disaster...lol. All in all Friday was pretty fun!

Saturday was again, a BLAST. Except for the fact that Annabelle got so drunk (she swears she was rufied, she only had 2 or 3 drinks) we had to leave (after I pulled her head out of the toilet in the restroom). Then she horked out the window of my car (so nasty) and she continued to hork every half hour or so once we got back to our room. I felt so bad for her. She never gets thats drunk...EVER! It's usually her taking care of me. I was very proud of myself this weekend, kept my drinking semi under control. ;) I am such a lush! lol

Tried not to make as many bad choices as I usually do. Stay under control and composed. I did okay! Late Saturday night I made the decision to delete some numbers from my phone that needed to be deleted. Need a fresh start and a fresh perspective. Yea for me!!!!

Oh and Friday on the way to our hotel, we got rear ended by a School Bus on the Freeway. We both were so sore for the rest of the weeknd, but luckily not too much damage to my car. Poor Annabelle, we got hit by a bus and then she gets piss drunk two nights in a row and ends up horking all weekend. Nice trip! And once again, she saw pretty much none of Seattle (not that she cared in the least).

I havent slept in three days..HOLY TIRED BATMAN!

-Abi

WE'RE BACK!!!

Annabelle is here and I cannot contain how excited I am. When I got to the airport to pick her up and I finally saw her, I jumped out of the car screaming like a school girl and gave her the biggest hug! So much fun is going to be had this weekend, I don't even know where to start! I still am in awe that she is actually here. She was tired from the flight, but I am all jacked up and cannot sleep! Imagine that, right?

On a lighter note, I did some reflecting today and I realized life is too short, time is too short to waste on things/people which are not meant to be. I am a fantastic catch (whether it be NSA, FWB, HLF, Boo-tay call, whatever you want to call it) and anyone who can't see past the immediate B/S isn't really worth my time anyway! Just need to remind myself of this from time to time. Why can't people just say what they mean and mean what they say...no games...no B/S! No more energy wasted......

-Abi

Puzzle

My view is that life is a jigsaw puzzle.
People you meet, relationships, activities,
personal growth, all add pieces to the puzzle.
Sometimes you meet someone who drops a
pre-assembled chunk of pieces into your puzzle all at once.
The puzzle frame is flexible, and can expand
to accomodate more pieces over time.
None of the existing pieces need be removed
or their contribution to the overall picture diminished.
The other pieces just add to the richness of the picture overall!!

I'm SO Excited! (in a signing voice)

For a few reasons:

#1. My bestest pally pal pal will be here in less than 24 hours and I cannot wait to hug the bejesus out of her! I may sit on her lap the entire time she is here just to be THAT close to her. I did mention that I love her, right? We are going to have an amazing weekend.

#2. The house I really had my eye on and heart set on went back on the market. It's FATE I tell you! The cutest little Cape Cod you ever did see (and when I say little, I mean little)! I love it! Hope it works out!

#3. It has been so freeing this week to know that I am completely over my Ex. That was a long time coming...but whew...glad its over. We had a cordial conversation, hugged goodbye and now I can close that chapter! Now if I could just close the chapter that is Vegas Boy I'd be on my way to complete emotional freedom!

#4. Met a cute boy who is funny, smart, incredibly HOT, and has his own place. So we will see where that goes. He makes me laugh and that is so important. Must know how to have a good time!

Unfortunately there is a #5, but it is nothing to be excited about. Someone with whom I had began to care about (at least as a friend) and semi-understand (I think), decided we can no longer see each other due to the trainwreck that is my life right now. Which I can't really blame him for, but fuck it was so much fun! He says "he's done". I am so not ready to be done or give up the fun or the getting to really know him. Bad choices were made on my part and I get that I can no longer take them back, but doesnt everyone make bad choices? Why do two bad choices have to be the be all and end all of EVERYTHING that was good and fun? I just don't get it!

My friend Kevin once told me:

"Dont let anyone/thing rent space in your head. If you're thinkin' about things that you can't change then IT really wins and it will just drive you crazy! If I get thinkin' about all the shit from my past then I'd go fuckin crazy too, nutty-er than squirrel turds my friend."

Well said Kevin...Now if I could just figure out the letting go part. Any ideas on that?

-Abi

Interesting Saturday Night

Where to start? It started out with drinks with the girls at the bowling alley at 6:00, and by 6:30 I was half in the bag. I know, suprise suprise!!!

Then one of my GF's and I left to go to a brewery and guess what, it was October Fest. Lucky us! And then, I ran into an ex who I had unresolved issues with and its been, ummm lets see...4 or so years since we saw each other last. Needless to say it was horridly uncomfortable, small talked ensued and as my GF's and I were leaving we had a semi-awkward hug. But the best thing about it was that I FELT NOTHING! Completely over him! WOOO HOOO! I cannot explain to you how freeing that is. He is THE ONE....everyone has that one...the one who got away...or the one with whom things ended badly and you have been dying to see them again and be the bigger person (which by the way I totally was). And I looked fantastic (yes tooting my own horn). It was an amazing feeling to walk away and finally be ok with walking away! Yea me!!!!

Okay enough about that. So we left the brewery and met up with the rest of the girls at an Irish Pub up the street and I continued my sprial into complete intoxication. By 11:00 I was completely wasted and after going out side to get some fresh air and make a phone call (which never should have been made), I had to switch to water because when I finally came back in and sat down to take a break from the dance floor the room was spinning. I literally had a straw in a PITCHER of water. It is the only thing that saved me from not passing out in our booth or puking my guts out. Needless to say I spent the rest of the night on the dance floor in my own little world having a fantastic time. Oh and LOTS OF CUTE BOYS to dance with! However, it was so hot and muggy in there that I had sweat dripping from the back of my hair. I think I did mention somewhere in one of my posts that I love music and that I love to dance. We closed the bar down and I headed home (after stopping for some all important Taco Bell...lol)!

All in all it was a very bizarre, yet eye opening evening. Even drunk me sees people for who they truly are, as well as realizing I am not the person I want to be and/or like to be when I drink that much! At one point there were some (ok alot) of text messages exchanged with a 'friend' which should never have been sent or replied to. Just horrible all around. Seriously, someone needs to confiscate my phone after the first drink because I always end up doing stupid shit I regret in the morning. However, I also feel that sometimes you just gotta put it out there and not worry about the consequences. Ask for what you want and say what you mean. I think on both counts on both sides that was pretty well taken care of. I guess maybe from now on, just to play it safe, I think I'll leave me cell in the car...maybe even at home.

-Abi

RULES SUCK...

SO THERE!!! :-P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bxls5ZB_zS0

-Abi

Better In Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE

I am a total Music and TV junkie, as if you hadn't already noticed, but I was watching one of my 'girlie' shows tonight and this song hit me like a tons of bricks. I am so ready to move on and be happy...I mean REALLY happy. With myself, my life, my kids, my career. I want to wake up everyday excited for what's to come, not dreading it. Wake up smiling! Not much makes that happen anymore, except the thought of finally being free....free to do what I choose. To not have to ask permission or worry about consequences. To LIVE! And be true to the person I AM. I miss ME!!! And btw, I ROCK! ;)

-Abi


And you must watch the entire clip from the link below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1nFkmz4HUQ&feature=related

I mean, honestly, who is this freakin' HOT! When he writes his phone number on her leg with the sharpie (if only you could hear the actual things being said) and then in the apartment when he sits her on the drafting table and rips her panty hose....HOLY HOTNESS!

Wow, did it just get really hot in here? ;)

Anyone? Anyone?

Can someone please point me in the direction of the nearest AA or NA meeting?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

-Abi

HEY ANNABELLE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zok3tTtqkoI

Blame it on the cuervo......heh

-Abi

You can't get advice

from readers you don't have!
heh

How to "put it in the box"?????
I've never been good at that. Until my nephew died last year, I found it nearly impossible. And then the tidal wave of unbearable grief came and my brain said "cannot cope" and created a nice, tidy box to store this grief in, instead of processing it. Here and there, the lid would crack open and oily, black pain would seep into EVERY aspect of my life. I was, and am, absolutely astonished at my mind's new-found ability to compartmentalize (is this even a word???).

Enough Said

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived". ~ [William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)

-Abi

NUMB...

Everything is coming apart at the seams and I just can't wrap my mind around any of it. I just want a life...MY LIFE...with my kids. I am a good mother, I am good at what I do (my job when I have one), I am a fantastic friend (one of the best you will ever have), I am a strong individual...but right now, I feel like completely falling apart...which I cannot do! I am SOOOOO trying to stay strong and hold it together right now. I cannot cry in front of my kids...I REFUSE! They are already so confused. I just want......I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!! I want to be selfish, do what makes me feel good for THIS MOMENT...curl up with a friend and weep uncontrolably but I can't even do that! And is that what I REALLY want? Probably not, but the alternative right now sucks and the escape, if only for a few hours, sounds fan-freaking-tastic!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XpyaRd-leA

Also, I got an 'update email' from a friend who just finished her cancer treatment and it really hit home for me with everything that's going on right now. Life is too short to not live each day to the fullest. Live, Laugh, LOVE, Lust.!!! Everyone should have that...EVERYONE...ALL THE TIME! Don't waste time being uhappy...do what makes you feel the most alive!!!!

-Abi

My mom sent this to me at the end of August. Always find truth in the stars....

Pisces - The Week Ahead*
25th August 2008 - 31st August 2008
Pluto has been a constant figure on your astrological landscape so you should be well prepared for this week's peaks and troughs. A relationship reaches its zenith or nadir and, in general, events will be over-the-top fantastic or down-in-the-depths dreary. Should you be starting out with a new person or signing up for a new commitment this will change your life in the most profound way; on the other hand, should you have been trying to make a situation work under the most trying of circumstances what takes place between now and late September could prove to be the last straw. Transformation is Pluto's brief and any which way change comes in has to be embraced whole-heartedly.

How Is This My Life???

JESUS! I don't even know where to start except that my life (which was already a trainwreck) has been completely turned inside out and upside down in the past two days!

One minute I am having a fantastic time (best RELAXED time I have had in a LONG TIME), the next I am fighting with my IDIOT husband over the phone (which I never should have answered) and making sure he doesn't take the kids from my parents house! Holy disaster!

Long of the short, the kids and I spent the night at my parents and Saturday morning I talked to my GF, who is an attorney, and she drew up the papers for me. So I guess I am filing this week. And of course my husband is making this miserable for me and saying horrid things to the kids, like 'who do you guys want to live with?' and 'you know your mom is ruining your lives right?'....WTF, who says that to their kids? No matter how much I HATE HIM right now, I would never bad mouth him to the kids....He is their father for fucks sake! Grow up dude! Of course they are saying they want to live with us both you dillhole, they dont understand what is going on....but when he kept pushing they ultimately say they want to live with me. Is that what you wanted to hear you MORON! Make you feel better?

Anyways, just venting...AGAIN! And how is it that I am more sad about a friendship ending then I am about my marriage ending? Too much for my little heart to process right now. Emotionally EXHAUSTED! And real sad......

-Abi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln2_xzJ9jQQ

Hey!

You will treat me like the princess I am.....AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

heh

Too Much Music Lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTpvjNn2BUM

Love her!

-Abi

High Maintenance???

WTF is with people? Are all women in the world oppressed or complete idiots? Who doesn't ask for what they want? It is the year 2008 for fucks sake!!!! And apparently standing up for yourself and asking for what you want makes you a spoiled brat or 'high maintenance'...whatever that means.

GUESS WHAT FOLKS...SPOILED BRAT AND HIGH MAINTENANCE, PARTY OF ONE, RIGHT HERE!!!! If you can't handle the heat...GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!!!!

I don't feel I need to be 'maintained', but some fucking common courtesy would be nice!!!! Come on girls, stand up for yourselves and ask, no I am sorry, DEMAND to be treated the the Princess/Queen you are! Seriously, WTF????

-Abi

Ok, so after posting this I was checking one of the 'sites' I frequent and there was this test on there called 'The 'Am I a CRAZY Bitch' Test'......so of course I HAD to take it! My result:

* THE PARTY ANIMAL! Ok, so you are a bit crazy, but definitely not over the top. You love to have a good time, and roll with what ever is happening, but you can get a bit moody sometimes. You tend to over-do the party sometimes, and get a bit reckless, but never out of control to the point where anyone gets hurt. In relationships, you are a bit high maintenance, but nothing that can't be dealt with. You like to keep your eye on boyfriends, keep them on a short leash, and still have your fun when out with the girls. You can definitely be the 'life of the party' when out though. People love to party with you!!*

And sadly, this is MOSTLY true!!!! HA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKHU2t0wLSQ TAKE THAT!

Not Shocking....

...but I am a hopeless romantic at heart....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8jIZaRIXMc

-Abi

Nothing to say

so I've lost the person i've been chatting with/learning about/bonding with/venting to/doing grief work with for the past 6 weeks.

these are the risks inherent in making new friends, I guess.

I really do feel as though my heart is broken.

I told him that i thought our connection was rare and special. He agreed. Maybe just not special enough for him to fight for.

Thinking about him a lot. A lot. Still hoping to hear from him, I guess.

These are the unorganized ramblings of a person who's spirit feels raw...tender.

Where's Abi.....

Another Favorite

In constant rotation for about 3 years...or whenever my girls trip to Vegas was....HEH!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEw1QqxNWAU

-Abi

Another Fight

I think my husband is finally getting it!!!

Getting out of the shower yesterday and the kids were watching TV on our bed. My son's room was a mess and my husband asked the kids to go clean it up. **Must note that they were up late the night before and eating cake and drinking pop at 9:00pm. They were both overtired and in horrid moods.** So they both were complaining/whining about having to go pick up. My son started to get up and then decided he didn't want to clean up and said so. So my husband in his normal ASSHOLE manner, grabbed him by his face and started screaming at him about a inch from his face, threatening to throw all the toys away. Of course my boy is crying and I am, per usual, standing there in amazement! I look at my husband like he is out of his mind (which at this point I am pretty sure he is) and tell him that is not how we deal with things in this house. My son goes to his room and is crying and says he is tired and wants to take a nap...husband still yelling at him...

I am, at this point, furious!!! So as soon as he is done and leaves the room, I go to talk to my son. Trying to give him some positive reinforcement. Telling him I know he is a good kid, just making bad choices. That I love him and that he needs to think about his actions before hand.

Poor kid was sobbing and telling me that he hates his papa and wants him to leave. Begging me not to leave him alone in his room. So as I am talking to him my husband comes to the door and starts listening. Thinks my way of discipline is B/S and thats why the kids 'walk all over me'. Starts yelling at me, in front of my son...if I don't like the way he does things we can leave. My answer, 'I would love to'. Should have kept my mouth shut....now he is screaming at me to pack mine and the kids stuff up and get the fuck out. I refuse to fight with him in front on my son and tell him so...still trying to bait me into a fight and tells me to come out in the living room then. At this point I am not leaving my son who is shaking and crying. My daughter has put herself in her room and is crying as well.

Ended up taking a nap with my son. He woke up and got over all the yelling, me I am still pissed. We had dinner, I played downstairs with my daughter and slept in my sons bed. So this morning my kids are asking me when Papa is leaving (he went to the football game with a friend) and my husband says 'don't worry I am leaving soon'. Me, still not saying anything. Then he mentions the family trip in a month and says to my son 'maybe we aren't going'. I say 'why?' He says 'because you don't like me'. I say 'well that doesn't mean I am going to ruin it for the kids'. He seems suprised...as if I am going to say 'oh no, I love you'.....UMMM NO! I think you are an ass and cannot wait to get me and my kids out of here! He just doesn't get it...you cannot talk to me or the kids that way and then pretend it never happened. I am just done...fed up. He is has already broken my spirit and I'll be damned if I am going to let him fuck my kids up. Do what you want and say what you want to me, DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIDS!!!!!

Okay, so this turned into a long post about my B/S....just needed a place to vent!!!! And a place to note that I am standing by my decision......must leave. This way I can come back and read this when I am wavering....

-Abi

Loving this SONG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6L0CJfQGWZ0

Story of my life.....

-Abi

2nd "biggest"

issue in my life right now, besides the bending over backwards to keep my husband engaged.

http://annabellevlb.livejournal.com/

Props

"High pitched screaming noise"
LOVE IT!
Just another box to check on the "why you're my bestest pal" worksheet....you're fucking hysterical!
heh!
And I'm so so so so sorry for being unavailable lately. Working dilligently on saving my marriage, this is rather time consuming :)

I do plan to blog about what's been going on at my house. Hope to find time this weekend.

Love you sister

Note to self....

:)

-Abi

*HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING NOISE*

I want to claw my own eyes out. FCK FCK FCK! I talked to Annabelle yesterday about what was bothering me and I should have not ever said anything to her. She has so much going on right now that it was not fair of me to add to her shit. I literally cannot live without her in my life.

Another fight with my husband today about when Annabelle is coming to visit (three weeks and counting...thank God). He doesn't want us staying in the city...he came up with 5,000 ridiculous excuses for why we shouldn't. All of them LAME! I lost count of how many times he told me to 'fuck off', etc. I just sat silent, listened to his rant, and as usual waited for him to calm down and be rational. He is still mad, but whatever...what is he going to do, divorce me???

It's like with every passing day, I am more sure about my decision to leave. Another month of this and I may indeed go CRAZY! Think I have found a full time job so its only a matter of time. The waiting is killing me. I am not a patient person...as if you couldn't already see that, right?

Maybe I should just devote my life to work and being a mom. Screw fun...career and parenting. As of right now, until I go back to work I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think about EVERYTHING! Someone needs to confiscate my computer and cell....SERIOUSLY! Annabelle, where is my 'put the fucking phone down....step away from the keyboard' voice commands? Miss you....

-Abi

Sidebar: I have a 'date' next week...who has 'dates' and still lives with their spouse (ok people in an open relationship do...but open is not my marriage)???? I keep telling myself it's just lunch and he is just a friend, but I am such a mess right now that I think I might cancel.

UPDATE: DEFINATELY CANCELLING.....

SOMEONE PLEASE.....

MUST STOP BLOGGING...Mental breakdown to ensue shortly...

-Abi

It Cannot Be This Difficult...

Ok, so let me start by saying I am a complete spoiled brat and I ALWAYS get what I want. My world revolves around me and ONLY me! (ok and my kids...but for this particular rant...just me)!

Maybe I am needy, maybe I am complicated...but for fucks sake, does anyone know how to have a good time anymore with out setting up some sort of boundaries/rules? Can't it just be what it is? JESUS!

I am never dating AGAIN! When I am finally divorced...I am shutting my cell phone off, no numbers exchanged, no emails exchanged. I am picking random boys up...where...a bar maybe... nailing them and NEVER talking to them again. EVER! Apparently that is how it is supposed to work........who knew? 'Women get to emotionally involved'. Guess what WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL!

Ok, rewind...I am feeling completely neglected lately, so much so that my husband almost seems appealing. WTF?? My bestest pal has her plate full and she is literally the only one I can talk to about any of this crazy shit! And everytime I meet someone with whom I feel comfortable talking to about my shit, I fuck it up and sleep with them. There goes that friendship! I need to stop doing that...I need to just have friends...JUST FRIENDS. Which in turn means I am not allowed to EVER drink!

Sorry for letting all my dirty laundry air here but I seriously have NO ONE to talk to at this point! SUCH A GOD BLESSED TRAINWRECK!

-Abi

Surprise, Surprise...

Not a good egg after all! Did anyone think it would turn out any different for me????

Whatever, fuck 'em!

-Abi

UPDATE: Turns out maybe I was wrong, could be a good egg after all...but not holding my breath! HA

Never Been More Sure

It's official, I cannot wait to get out of this marriage! Not even for the freedom to 'date', but just the freedom PERIOD! If I never go on a single date or never have sex again (ok wait, let's not get too ahead of ourselves - whew that was a close one) I would be happy as long as I am free to chose to do what I want!

Did I mention I LOVE BOYS! Good Lord!!!! I love them, I love them, I love them. I have met a few lately that challenge me, my way of thinking. One in particular has really got my panties in a bunch! HA! Cannot seem to stop thinking about him (ok, let's be honest, cannot stop thinking about nailing him)...not in a love type way, just an interesting 'f'riend' type way! (yes I SAID FRIEND) Very unexpected....He seems like a good egg....We'll see!

-Abi

ANNOYED

I finally got the courage to talk to my parents about leaving my husband and they were not as supportive as I had hoped. And after spending most of the day weeping at their house there was no way my husband wasnt going to notice something was up. So I finally decided to just tell him what had been on my mind. Now of course he wasnt shocked, but instead said that he would stay in this marriage forever, regardless of if he loved me, because 'after you have kids, that's what your supposed to do'! UMM NO IT ISN'T MORON!!!!!! Seriously, sometimes it's like I live in the twilight zone!

Anyways, we are ONCE AGAIN, going to try and work on things (or at least he thinks we are). Meanwhile, I am going back to work, getting my shit together and after our 'family trip' with the kids at the end of October, I AM OUT! PEACE! SEE YA!

Once you lose respect for someone, its real hard to get that back. And for the most part, neither of us respect each other! But the main thing is that we both know we need to do whats best for the kids and that they come first. We have different ideas of what that should be....but in the end we will always do what it right for them. And as for me, I don't think growing up in a home with parents who can barely stand the sight of each other is healthy at all. And deep down, I don't think he does either.

-Abi

BTW, totally missing Annabelle lately. She has her own stuff going on, but she is my lifeline from all this insanity....just miss her. :(

We don't seem to be agreeing on much lately...really bumming me out! *sigh* When everyone around you thinks your crazy/wrong and the one person who is keeping you sane by telling you your not isn't around....it's hard not to start to think that there is something wrong with you. I guess we'll see.

Holy Unbeleivable Decision...

My life is now an official TRANWRECK! I am 99.9% sure I want out of my marriage and just when I think I am ready to leave and things cant get any worse, Mr. Nice Guy makes an appearance and pulls me right back in. Even though Mr. Nice Guy only sticks around for a few hours a week....that guy I can actually stand. It's the asshole he is most of the time that is driving me insane. I know leaving is what's best for me and the kids, I just need to grow a pair and DO IT! I just keep telling myself...all in good time. I want the least amount of disruption in my kids lives...don't want to have to move them around from my parents to an apt to a house.

So with all my new found revelations, I guess we'll see where I end up! Looking at a house...a little small but big enuf for me and the kids with a nice yard. Good neighborhood! Wish me luck!

-Abi

P.S. Not that one has anything to do with the other, but I met a real great guy (who ended up being really creepy/pervy). We'll see how it works out. I am so done with the relationship b/s....just nice to have a friend with benefits. Benefits come in handy when you don't plan on dating! heh

Back from visiting Annabelle

Hands down.....one of the best weekends ever. God I love her! And I love Chicago. Oh and I LOVE BOYS! Holy jesus!

I will add more about my weekend later....to exhausted to type right now! ;)

-Abi

UPDATE: I had a blast in Chicago...love the night life, love Annabelle, love her kids, oh and LOVE her husband......no seriously, love him. Shame on me!!! Lots of dancing and lots of boys! I was so sick the entire time I was there, but that didn't stop us from having a good time.....puke and rally sister. Love me some JBC! Never ever knock that place again...EVER! Miss you already pal....

tired.....and sick.....

I'm sick......and tired........and sick and tired of being TIRED.



Sleep disorders aside, I have the most horrendous head cold/sore throat ailment that I've ever had. I feel horrid. My head feels like it's going to explode, the glands in my neck feel like they're the size of grapefruits and my throat feels like I've been garggling broken glass.

Good times.



And, I'm feeling REALLY weird about a new friend. I will call him Ireland.



1) He's so, so, so intelligent and funny. So funny, I LOVE funny. Not one of those people who throw around random puns and THINK they're funny (this would be me) but really, truly funny.



2) Sensitive...and romantic (not toward me, yet, but through stories he's shared with me). And sweet, so sweet. And artistic. Creative. Articulate, i could read for hours.......And so, so, so cute.



3) Married. And open, of course. And looking for love.....which I'd LOVE to give him.

But I can't.

Because my husband won't "let" me.

Bitter and Angry, party of 1.

I'm going to bed.

Livejournal

I'm thinking we should move the blog to livejournal.

abi?

Weekend come and gone...

I just wanted to drop a little update about the wedding I attended this weekend. My husband stayed home with the kids and yes, it was an Italian family wedding.

As soon as I got there I saw 'the cousin' and immediately began avoiding him like the plague!!!! I made it half way through the night until he finally caught up to me at the bar. He grabbed me and gave me a hug. At this point I am completely blushing and feeling like a total stump, then he asked why I hadn't said hello yet? My response, 'because I have been trying to avoid you for fear of making myself look anymore like an idiot or possibly saying anything else inappropriate'. He laughed and told me to get over it, that it was no big deal, he hadn't said anything to anyone and still doesn't plan to.

We ended up chatting about my dysfunctional marriage for the next hour or so, and I was told by my sister in law that had we been talking any closer we may have well as been making out. Hey it was loud in there!!! lol But it was great to be able to talk about all the crap on my plate lately.....especially to another male Italian....and guess what, they are not all crazy controling stumps like my husband.

I did have to let him know though, that when i got there I got stuck talking to his wife for about half an hour and I wanted to throw up the enitre time! I felt so horrid!

So there it is...all went well!

-Abi

hey Annabelle...

I love you too! I'd be lost without you! SERIOUSLY!!!! No really, SERIOUSLY!

Hey Abi....

I love you.

-Annabelle

Is this the year 2008?

Does anyone besides me realize it is the year 2008 and the idea of the June Clever/Holly Homemaker wife is completely outdated???

Wake up people...Women this day and age have careers and OUR OWN LIVES outside of our partnership. We were not put on the earth to serve as your chef/maid/whipping post!!!! No matter what your mama's may have told you!

Marriage has enough pressures, but add this expectation to the mix and you may as well dial 1-800-DIVORCE!

I had this chat with my father last week.....it is crazy to think that you can spend 100% of your time with your significant other without going insane. This is why you have friends....of course you do things with your partner/spouse that you enjoy, but hey....on Sunday morning you can bet I don't want to hit the golf course for 18 holes. And yeah, some Friday nights I would rather have dinner with some girlfriends and go out dancing. News flash...everyone needs space...time to take care of themselves. ME TIME!

I lost ME a long time ago. I was raised as a spoiled brat...I am still a spoiled brat....I am always going to be a spoiled brat. But after I got married and had kids I went from being #1, and it being all about me, to getting knocked down to #4. And let me tell you ...#4 sucks donkey balls! I think alot of women fall into this pattern or whatever you want to call it...kids come first, then the husband and if there is any sort of time left (which I am the first to tell you there isn't) you get time for you. Everyone deserves ME TIME! And it has been just recently that I realized this and I am fighting for it tooth and nail! My husband doesn't seem to understand why I need this time to myself....umm hello I have been home with the kids for almost 5 years.....7 days a week. I dont get breaks, no lunch hour, I don't get to clock out at 5:00. WTF do you mean you don't understand? And don't get me wrong I am sure it is a struggle to get out of bed and go to work even when you feel like complete shit because you know you are the only one bringing in any sort of income....but jesus....take time for yourself as well. I am the first to tell my husband to set a tee time or go have some beers with the boys. He chooses not to and I have decided I am no longer going to feel guilty about me choosing to take MY TIME!

Lots of rants lately...sorry about that. But I need to get it all out somewhere because obviously the things I am saying my husband chooses to ignore!

-Abi

Holy Shnikes Batman....

I have a wedding to attend on Saturday and the hot cousin of whom I spoke of a few posts ago, you know the one I hit on after a few too many martinis...well he is definately going to be there, wife his wife. Seriously, I don't think I can look the man in the eyes. And since I am married into a huge old skool italian family we all greet each other with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I want to throw up just thinking about it. I'd usually solve the problem by having a few too many and just get to the point where I could care less, but we all see how well that worked out for me last time...hence the fact that I will be hiding in a corner hanging my head ALL NIGHT come Saturday!

Wish me luck......

-Abi

BTW

Everyone sucks today......You meet someone who you think is going to turn out to be the perfect friend with benefits.....both married, so there is no worries about getting ratted out on either side. You chat for hours via IM, exchange photos and instantly there is a connection. You have a ton in common, same ideas about sex....on paper a perfect match.

And then, cold feet. Most first timers get it and what they don't know is that the curiosity that got them to that point only gets more intense as time goes on. They think they can get past it or push it out of their mind....but I am here to tell you, it ain't happening! I have tried so many times to be a 'good wife'...it lasts for a while and then my husband starts his asshole bullshit and I end up looking for that emotional connection somewhere else with someone who understands me. That in itself is hard to come by. Most guys just want to nail you and bail. No thank you .

I am looking for someone who not only understands me (and obviously is ok with my situation), but values my friendship, finds me attractive, is passionate about me and for fucks sake, treats me like the queen I know I am. I deserve nothing less! So meeting some random drunk horny prick in a bar isn't doing it for me! Although I do tend to drink quite a bit when I am out and for some reason the drunk horny pricks get more and more attractive after about 6 or 7 double raspberry stoli's! But that is besides the point.....I do seriously need to work on the saying no to assholes like that! I need a card to put in my purse that says 'just say no to drunk horny pricks...you deserve better'...maybe tape it to the back of my drivers license or something so everytime I go to pay for yet ANOTHER drink I'll have that as my reminder!

Like I said, it was a real bad day! Just venting!

On a lighter note I have met someone who I find very intriguing...been chatting with him as well via IM....so we will see where that goes. Right now I am just real hesitant about meeting strangers in person. Can you blame me? I swear I am constantly thinking I am being set up for the show Cheaters or the my husband hired a private dick....SERIOUSLY! I am so paranoid!

-Abi

Polyamory

To be or not to be???? I think everyone has such a different idea of what Polyamory actually means. Some think it means adding a third person to your existing relationship (the triad), some people think it means you and your partner are free to seek out other partners outside of your relationship (open marriage etc), some idiots think it give you license to nail anyone and everything....and most people just think we are all freaks/kinky whores.

Well let me just say that for those of you out there feeling ashamed or like something is wrong with you because you don't necessarily fit into the 'Monogamy' mold....You are not alone!

I am sure when you got married or entered into a commited relationship you probably were so 'in love' that the thought of being with someone else never crossed your mind. Now you are a few, maybe even 10, years into it and things sort went south in the SEX department (a little more vanilla and a little less spice). You miss that first kiss or the excitement of meeting someone new and staying up all night getting to know them, the passion, the romance....

And if you are still married or maintaining a commited relationship, the guilt can be overwhelming. And let's face it, most of us are not willing to tell our partner for fear of losing them. Obviously if you are in the relationship something lead you there, whether it be love, passion, common interests, whatever. For those of you willing to take that step and be open about your feelings with your partner, the fallout can be the worst possible in most cases. So unless you start your relationship being open and honest that monogamy just isnt for you, get ready to suffer the consequences. I have never in my life felt more guilt about any one thing then I do about hiding this from my husband. But there is no way on earth he would ever understand.

Someone asked me the other day, 'if your husband has no idea about this and it is such a big part of who you are, then he doesn't really know you at all?'. This got me thinking. I am a completely different person around my spouse. I have had many friends over the years point this out to me. I have conformed to the monogamist life style...I am a wife and a mother. Two very important things to me. But there is this huge part of my soul that just wants....NEEDS...more!

This is by far the most intense life change I could possibly imagine and a very long hard journey at that!

-Abi

Side note: I do not claim to be Poly, hell it's just a label. I sure as hell am not Ethically Poly! Maybe I am just a rat bitch cheating wife and the Poly label just makes me feel better about it???? Something to think about......

Danger Will Robinson...ABORT ABORT!!!

I know you must all be waiting on pins and neddles to see what became of the 'save my ass' email which was sent to follow up on my uncontrollably bad decision making over the weekend. Let me just start off by saying that I always thought (hoped) this individual would be descreet and for that I felt semi-safe that nothing will come of it and it would just get chaulked up too having had one too many Pomegranate Martini's and leave it at that. Thank you Ryan the Bartendar for continuing to over serve!! You are a real peach!!!! ;)

Then FINALLY after freakishly checking my email throughout the day I finally got a response back from him that blew me away. "No worries, I thought you were just messing with me and I have not and will not mention the subject to anyone". Noting that "we all make mistakes and that he doesnt have any less respect for me than he did before I let the 'kat out of the bag' so to speak. That is so hard for me to swallow (non pun intended) since I am in a constant state of self-doubt lately....I cannot imagine what he must think of me. But at least if I had to 'come out' to one of the family members I am glad it was him. He seems to real understanding and not asking a ton of questions.

But either way I feel happy to have mentioned it to him and releived as all get out that he says he plans to keep quiet about the situation. He said if he sat in judgement of me then he would have to be sitting in judgement of himself. And let's be honest...no one ever wants to do that!! HA !!! So for now I just have to trust that he will keep his word and say anything to anyone...

Do I wish I could have taken it back altogeher probably, but only because for the rest of TIME at every family function we attended the awkward level just went up to ummmm lets say about a BILLION. That and I am constantly going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop (lord please dont ever let that happen, I pray).

So there you have it folks.....my life continuing down its downward spiral into what I commonly call HELL! Wow is my therapist getting an earfull at our next session!!!

-Abi....OUT!

Holy Pomegranite Martini Induced MISTAKE Batman!!!

I have no idea WTF I was thinking, but basically I 'outted' myself to one of my husbands distant cousins at a 40th Birthday Party, FOR HIS WIFE, on Saturday! I wrote, on a coaster mind you, the web addy http://www.polyamory.com/ (come to find out this site is under construction, but that is besides the point...I am sure he was smart enough to just search the word, which in itself explains what I meant to say) and slipped it (not so subtly) into his hand as we were leaving and saying our regular 'Italian goodbyes' (kiss on the cheek and hug). As soon as I did it I knew there was no going back. He asked me what it was and I said just read it later. And Please Please Please do not say anything to my husband because he has no idea. He said he wouldn't tell my husband anything, but at that point he did not know what was on the coaster.

So I am not sure if I meant this to be me hitting on him or if I just wondered how he felt about it? What am I saying, he is amazingly hot and who doesn't want to nail him???? From what I hear he and his wife have a pretty open marriage. However, I doubt nailing family members ranks up there with "Hey no problem....Keep it all in the Family!!'

HOLY JESUS...WTF was I thinking?? I am sick to my stomach everytime the phone rings. I am checking my husbands e-mail like 50 times a day. I am so nervous that he may call my husbands cell sometime this week to rat me out. My hope is that since it's pretty much common knowledge that he cheats on his wife, (I have caught him on more than one occasion) that he will chalk it up to me just wanting some advice or just not say anything in fear that I may say something to his wife. When I say they have an 'open' marriage....it's more along the lines of the don't ask don't tell deal. He travels alot for business and so does she.

So I sent a follow up e-mail begging him not to say anything to my husband or anyone for that matter. So far I don't think he has checked it or if he has he has not responded. Told him it was just an ongoing discussion between myself and a girlfriend and nothing has come of it. But that my husband knows nothing about it and I am not anywhere near ready to have that conversation with him (nor do I think I may ever be). I am such a freakin' TOOL! Who hits on family members?? Even distant family members????

It's like subconsciously I want to get caught....then I would have no choice but to get a divorce. My husband would never recover from any of this. The marriage would definately be OVER! And the thought of hurting him like this makes me sick to my stomach!! No matter what, I love my husband more than life itself and to see him hurt by any of my unexplainable B/S up until now would crush me!!! Never do I want to look him in the eyes and see the pain this is enevitably going in shto come down to at some point.

Anyone reading, please say a prayer for me that this debachle just disappears. Even though from now until the end of time I will have to hang my head shame at all the family functions when he and his wife and kids show up!!! OH the stomach pains and loss of sleep I am gonna have over this one!

Note to self: STOP GETTING WASTED AND KEEP YOUR CLIT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!!!

-Abi

Dropping my poly bomb

I'm blogging an update tonight, borrowed from my post on a support group for poly people with mono partners. AMAZING group, so glad to have found them.
So here it is...

Hello All!
Hope everyone is well and enjoying their weekend. Been excited today to come here and tell you all that I dipped the teeny-tiny-tippy-tip edge of my teeny-tiny pinky toe in the conversational water today! YEA ME ! Well, yesterday, actually. Don't honestly remember what husband and I were chatting about at the time. We have a running joke about him running away with one of the sales reps that visits his office on a regular basis. I made another joke about her, he took it to the next level and I said, "well, as long as you/she got the OK from me first......". He just sort of smiled. I'd imagine he had NO INKLING that I was completely serious :) So today, we're at a party and this super attractive man (husb of the best friend of our host) walked out of the room and I said to my husband, "HOW hot is he!" My husband made a joke "Oh, so that's why you're bending seductively over the kitchen counter (I was leaning on my elblows, cutting food into little pieces for the kids) flashing your business". He and I have always been able to joke like this, ribbing one another when we notice one of us noticing someone else. :)

Neither one of us has ever acted/felt jealous or threatened. I always say, to my husband and to others, that I LIKE when my husband talks to women or if they approach him. Just makes me appreciate how great he is. Anyway, after the kids wer e down I put Swingtown on Tivo and asked him to join me. He watched and he mentioned that it had "kept his interest". I'm wondering if he's mentally connecting the dots?????? I feel glad/relieved to have started mentioning this stuff to him. VERY RELIEVED. I'm sure it's just my conscience trying to alleviate guilt, but who knows.

On another note, I've been corresponding with a new friend I met a couple of weeks ago. He's also in a commited relationship but wanting to explore polyamory. He was feeling a LOT of guilt about chatting with me without his partner knowing about me so we're putting our friendship on hold for now. I told him to file me away under "future".......{{sigh}} ....with fingers (and toes) constantly crossed.....

-annabelle

Hey Abi....

looks like we need to do some research about blog marketing. We started this to get feedback and we've had ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING.....

hmmm............

oh, and i bought 2 books on how to attract men on Amazon today. So weird.........

-a

You know what they say....

...about women in their 30's???? Sexual peak is what they call it! But let's be honest...they should call it "ALL HORNED UP ALL THE TIME"!!!! I am 31 and the last few months I feel like I got a brain transplant and am now living with a man's mind. I eat, sleep and dream sex!! I literally cannot keep my hands off of MY OWN SELF!! It got so bad today that I almost drove myself to the emergency room to see if they could surgically remove my hand from down my own pants!! Okay not really, but you see my point?!?! It's like I have been taken over by some crazy surge of hormones or something.....weirdest shit that's ever happened to me! I guess we'll see where it takes me. SO far, I am learning I can get along fine on my own....HA!

-Abi

Need to pick...

......myself up off the floor before I can respond to Abi's rant.......DON'T SUGAR COAT IT, SISTER!

Just ONE of the million reasons I love this woman, she tells it like it is :)

xoxoxoxoxo

-Annabelle

The Dating Man's "Must Read"

I must start out this post by saying PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.....if you have any insight into any of these random questions, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feel free to comment.....

#1. Who doesn’t carry condoms?

Note to self: If you are going out drinking to a bar/club and you don’t think you are getting laid…BRING A CONDOM! Even if you look like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame…BRING A CONDOM! There is always the slightest of chances some girl will want to nail you, drunk or sober, so BRING A CONDOM! And don’t lie, in the back of your mind, no matter if you look like Brad Pitt or Steve Carrell, you always go out thinking ‘Hey I might get laid tonight’……therefore, BRING A CONDOM! Another Note to Self: Married women DO NOT carry condoms!!


#2. Who doesn’t buy drinks?

Broke ass, not worth your time, cocky rat bastards…that’s who!

I am not saying a guy has to ply you with $10.00 drinks all night long, but if you have spent a fair amount of the evening chatting, dancing or in anyway ‘getting to know each other’, and you are running to the bar to get yourself a drink YOU OFFER TO GRAB ONE FOR HER!!!! It’s not breaking the bank boys….it’s not an invitation for marriage….IT’S A GOD DAMN $3.00 BEER!!!!! If she is not worth that minimal investment, YOU are not worth HER time!!!! Ladies pay close attention to this one!!!!


#3. Things TO DO:

Most women hooking up for the one nighter are doing it to feel some sort of something. Whether it is feeling wanted, feeling attractive, feeling chosen…..it is only for ONE GOD BLESSED NIGHT boys…work it out and make HER feel like the queen she IS!


#4. What 20-something isn’t interested in the No Strings Attached (from now on known as NSA) relationship?

This one blows my mind folks. You meet a girl, she tells you shes married, she STILL wants to nail you....there is not a more perfect situation in the world to ever be presented to you...EVER! You don't have to take her on dates, have lengthy conversations, etc.....she just wants to nail you! WORK IT OUT!!!!!


#5. Why ask for or give your phone number/e-mail if you are not interested in staying in touch?

There are polite ways to say 'Tonight was fun…but it was a one time thing’. YES SOME WOMEN DO ACTUALLY NEED TO HEAR THIS IF YOU PLAN NOT TO BE STALKED!!!! It all comes back to "Honesty is the Best Policy"!!! Remember that one boys! It drives girls mental to be ignored!! You want to be left alone....then grow a pair and SAY SO!!!!


#6. Things NOT to say:

*Blow Me – If I wanted to give you head I WOULD……no need to ask!
*Can I go down on you? - Again.....NO NEED TO ASK!!! If you head down south and you get tugged back up by your ears then the answer was no!
*Can I/May I kiss you? – NEVER EVER ASK…..it is the lamest move on the planet. Go in for the kiss and if you get the cheek then the answer was no!


#7. Things not to do:

Do not under any circumstances jam a woman’s hand down your pants repeatedly or roughly rub, IN A CIRCLE, on her pubic bone! Find the clit boys or don’t bother! Watch some porn…hell get an instructional video for crying out loud if you are clueless. And yes boys, most of the time YOU ARE CLUELESS!


#8. Not all women are wired for monogamy!!

This should not come as a shock to most men since I think deep down (okay so maybe not so deep) neither are men. But for men to have multiple partners/relationships is ‘Studly’ and for women to do it is considered ‘Slutty’. Why is this???? A little variety never killed anyone (see this is where the condom comes in handy!)


#9. A guide to mutual text sex.

It’s not rocket science….read a romance novel or two!!! The older women (the Cougars) love this shit.


#10. And last but not least, will someone please explain to me boys obsession with the Ass???

Why do men want to lick it, stick their finger in it or even their cock for fucks sake???? Maybe this just grosses me out because I am such a germaphobe...but honestly....just YUCK! I really don't see the appeal. But to each his own I guess! (UPDATE: Not as bad as I had first thought...coming around...a bit...)

-Abi

Abi's Journey....

Well let me just start off by saying that on my Wedding Day I knew I was making the 'right' decision...the 'safe' choice. Not that I didn't love my husband, but was I in love with him??? I am not really sure anymore??? I knew he would be a great partner, a wonderful father, and we shared the same ideas of what a 'married life' should be (at the time). And I promise you that on that day when I said my vows (I was raised in a very catholic home) I meant every word!

How long did it take me to break those vows.....approximately 2 years. I mentioned in my intro the infertility issues my husband and I struggled with. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and the thought of that not being a part of my life....well let's just say I found a way to keep my mind off it for a while. I was seeing someone (yes, one person) off and on, until the fertility issues started to resolve (I am the proud mother of a son and a daughter). This was someone I had known previous to getting married and had a casual relationship with prior to getting married. I'll end this by saying it was a good thing that particular relationship came to an end.

So where did my journey really being??? AHHHH that fateful, but all important, Girls Weekend in Las Vegas that I just had to go on. Mother's Day weekend 2006......that weekend is permanently imprinted on my soul! Our second night there we went out to a club and ended up meeting some boys that were in Vegas for a bachelor party. Almost immediately I was drawn to one boy in particular. Sort of quiet, FANTASTIC SMILE, real sweet....and there was just something about him....(reality check)....okay so drinks were had, many drinks, volcano's were spilled in peoples laps, some dance floor grinding, and of course the all important mounting of this poor young boy in the booth we were sitting in! Let me just pause (for a small chronic break...J/K) to say that alcohol makes me do shameful things! When I look back on that night and how it went down, HOLY LORD the shame I should feel!!! But in hindsight, I don't. We ended up back at his room (I am sure you all saw this part coming...lol).....and he was the sweetest boy ever! Very affectionate, very respectful, FANTASTIC KISSER, and of course was saying all the right things (none of which I was getting at home). I mean, OF COURSE HE WAS, HE WANTED TO GET LAID! For the first time actually having a 'fling' outside my marriage I couldn't have asked for a better scenario!

Meanwhile, I am not so good with the flings....I am getting better at it, but how can you nail someone and then never wonder about them EVER AGAIN? Not to say I wanted any sort of relationship with this boy, we lived in two different states, but an occasional e-mail or friendly text would have been nice. We e-mailed a few times and then....nothing. Since this was my first real 'fling' and all, I have to say it was hard not to get my feelings hurt. Who doesn't want and/or need a friend? Hell I am already married and live nowhere near you? Who cares if you have a girlfriend...I am not telling!! Friend with benefits at least...alot can be done now days via e-mail and text! LMAO!! Needless to say, this was the 'fling' to start ALL FUTURE 'FLINGS'!!!!

Sidenote: I did come out of that fateful trip to Vegas with a stellar confidant/guru of all things that matter (not the above mentioned boy). I swear sometimes I think he is the only honest 20-something on the planet!!! Meanwhile, he is lucky he lives as far as he does or I would probably be trying to nail him! Good lord!

So moving on....there have been a few 'flings' since then and semi-steady fling with the same guy for about a year and a half. He is divorced, a little older...HOT AS HELL....and serves his purpose. Again, gives me all the things I am not getting at home. He's great to just talk to when I need advice about my marriage (since he has already been down that path) and he is great when I don't need to talk at all! Wink Wink!!!

So there you have it folks.....the journey thus far has proven to be a difficult one. Only time will tell how it ends up.....Stay Tuned!!

-Abi

Abi's Intro

Oh where to start......

Finding Annabelle is probably the best thing to ever happen to me. It all started on a web board I'd say 6ish years ago when two women met under horrific circumstances....Infertility. Through that a bond between "sisters" was born.

We have shared so many ups and downs, it seems only logical that we would be on this journey together as well. This past year I have come to know, love and trust this woman with my life. There isn't anything I feel I could not or have not shared with her....and never once has she sat in judgment of what most would call my appalling behavior!

Although we are on this 'possibly poly'/non-monogamous journey together, our marital situation differ quite a bit. See Annabelle has a supportive, loving, for the most part happy marriage. I,on the other hand, do not. Although I (Abi) am currently working on my marriage, I have always told myself that the reason I do "step out" of my marriage is because I am unhappy in my marriage. It has only been recently that I have started to question if that is the real reason, or just something I was telling myself to feel less guilty? You see when I stop and think if my marriage was a happy one, I think I would still be "stepping out"......

You see that 'conventional box' that is a monogamous marriage, I just don't think is meant for me. Does this make me a bad person? Does this mean I don't deserve to have a family (i.e husband and kids)? Should I chose not to be married? How do you stay married and either live with or not have any guilt when you look into your spouses eyes knowing monogamy is what they signed up for? And so the journey begins.......

-Abi

Annabelle's Intro

This is the story of 2 best friends, separated by 1,700 miles but strongly suspected of being separated at birth. Cosmic twins, if you will.

Although they've been casual friends for 7 years, the cosmic twins have spent the last year strengthening their bond through phone calls, emails, text messages, too-short weekend visits and discovered an insane amount of similarities. Some trivial (our shared addiction to McDonald's vanilla iced coffee (ONE cream!)) and some life altering...

You see, the twins have both discovered that they aren't wired for monogamy.

The caveat?

They're both married.

The marriage of Annabelle and Sweet Pea is eight years strong this October. As is Abi's marriage, to the fabulous man we'll call "Hawk" .

So what's the problem?

Through hundreds of hours of conversation, self reflection and research, the twins have decided that no matter how hard they shove, push or pull, they will never fit into the box that is conventional, monogamous marriage.

They couldn't possibly count the tears.......this kind of self discovery isn't exactly easy.....or pleasant.

One of the purposes of this blog is to chronicle their journeys, as uncertain as they are.
Growing pains doesn't even BEGIN to cover it.......

-Annabelle