Holy Pomegranite Martini Induced MISTAKE Batman!!!

I have no idea WTF I was thinking, but basically I 'outted' myself to one of my husbands distant cousins at a 40th Birthday Party, FOR HIS WIFE, on Saturday! I wrote, on a coaster mind you, the web addy http://www.polyamory.com/ (come to find out this site is under construction, but that is besides the point...I am sure he was smart enough to just search the word, which in itself explains what I meant to say) and slipped it (not so subtly) into his hand as we were leaving and saying our regular 'Italian goodbyes' (kiss on the cheek and hug). As soon as I did it I knew there was no going back. He asked me what it was and I said just read it later. And Please Please Please do not say anything to my husband because he has no idea. He said he wouldn't tell my husband anything, but at that point he did not know what was on the coaster.

So I am not sure if I meant this to be me hitting on him or if I just wondered how he felt about it? What am I saying, he is amazingly hot and who doesn't want to nail him???? From what I hear he and his wife have a pretty open marriage. However, I doubt nailing family members ranks up there with "Hey no problem....Keep it all in the Family!!'

HOLY JESUS...WTF was I thinking?? I am sick to my stomach everytime the phone rings. I am checking my husbands e-mail like 50 times a day. I am so nervous that he may call my husbands cell sometime this week to rat me out. My hope is that since it's pretty much common knowledge that he cheats on his wife, (I have caught him on more than one occasion) that he will chalk it up to me just wanting some advice or just not say anything in fear that I may say something to his wife. When I say they have an 'open' marriage....it's more along the lines of the don't ask don't tell deal. He travels alot for business and so does she.

So I sent a follow up e-mail begging him not to say anything to my husband or anyone for that matter. So far I don't think he has checked it or if he has he has not responded. Told him it was just an ongoing discussion between myself and a girlfriend and nothing has come of it. But that my husband knows nothing about it and I am not anywhere near ready to have that conversation with him (nor do I think I may ever be). I am such a freakin' TOOL! Who hits on family members?? Even distant family members????

It's like subconsciously I want to get caught....then I would have no choice but to get a divorce. My husband would never recover from any of this. The marriage would definately be OVER! And the thought of hurting him like this makes me sick to my stomach!! No matter what, I love my husband more than life itself and to see him hurt by any of my unexplainable B/S up until now would crush me!!! Never do I want to look him in the eyes and see the pain this is enevitably going in shto come down to at some point.

Anyone reading, please say a prayer for me that this debachle just disappears. Even though from now until the end of time I will have to hang my head shame at all the family functions when he and his wife and kids show up!!! OH the stomach pains and loss of sleep I am gonna have over this one!

Note to self: STOP GETTING WASTED AND KEEP YOUR CLIT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!!!

-Abi